Sunday, August 2, 2020

casting


zen yenta for the first time in my whole entire life

like magic is 100% the truest thing I know

joke that Kayla and I are so zen 

you could call us the yin yang twins 

stupidest and funniest thing to me 

I laugh all day


letting in ideas 

that were just behind glass

all along

feeling like a bread and puppet ass bitch

thinking 

wax dipped passion flower 

river mussel shell butterfly 

wind chime

thinking again more clearly

about the mom/dad/god wind chime

knowing I can finally write

a song that isn't sad

adorn myself with 

every single color of the rainbow

if I want


I walk to visit the fence with the passionflowers

they need water, wilting a little

but I'm not worried, it'll rain


on the way I run into everyone I want to see 

Will and Sam by the community garden

so easy 

to love everyone now


I want to free everyone I meet

thank everyone for who they are


I keep thinking about Stanley’s dangly rhinestone earring 

glinting in the sun against his weathered face

how tired he must be

how to release him too

same age as mom, same cycle of abuse

he must be so tired


blowing kisses 

to the sun

all those clever little squirrels and sparrows

the moon, the stars

to Jamie and the whole cast of angels

thank you 

thank you 

thank you


cherish every moment of preparing an improvised meal

for myself

slowly, pausing to choose the best song

the best song

the best song

dash of this dash of that 

knowing what my body wants

eating it slowly, pacing

picking it up, setting it down


finally let myself just slip into sleep 

and dream

dream hidden fears slipping away

some I didn’t even know were buried

watching them like a documentary 


had to do with the lines in my hand and 

having babies I’m scared to ruin

and I’m forgetting 

already  

the big ideas I was taking for granted as permanent 


I’ve been so unable to truly love

unable to access what I make as love

unable 

what a joke


I was talking on a rotary phone 

on the top floor of an old inn

Lucia was looking after my toddler in the next room

sent her to me when I hung up 

and it was so natural to lift her in my arms


I wish I could remember the other parts 

it was so straight forward

such direct refuting of specific bullshit


three different palms

each with varying degrees of wrinkles on the life line 

the emptiest and fullest vanishing for one that was 

just right

honest and open


I accept 

just being 

just being

is who we truly are

just walking through the neighborhood 

fucking laughing 

to myself

how perfectly 

it all checks out


it's literally too much to write

I keep it in my pocket

like a lucky rock 



why is it all so beautiful this fake dream this craziness why?


love and love and love and love

feeling like an actual phoenix


I wake up and the sky is overcast

I know I'll be able to drink coffee again today

and the flowers will get their rain


<3 <3 <3