zen yenta for the first time in my whole entire life
like magic is 100% the truest thing I know
joke that Kayla and I are so zen
you could call us the yin yang twins
stupidest and funniest thing to me
I laugh all day
letting in ideas
that were just behind glass
all along
feeling like a bread and puppet ass bitch
thinking
wax dipped passion flower
river mussel shell butterfly
wind chime
thinking again more clearly
about the mom/dad/god wind chime
knowing I can finally write
a song that isn't sad
adorn myself with
every single color of the rainbow
if I want
I walk to visit the fence with the passionflowers
they need water, wilting a little
but I'm not worried, it'll rain
on the way I run into everyone I want to see
Will and Sam by the community garden
so easy
to love everyone now
I want to free everyone I meet
thank everyone for who they are
I keep thinking about Stanley’s dangly rhinestone earring
glinting in the sun against his weathered face
how tired he must be
how to release him too
same age as mom, same cycle of abuse
he must be so tired
blowing kisses
to the sun
all those clever little squirrels and sparrows
the moon, the stars
to Jamie and the whole cast of angels
thank you
thank you
thank you
cherish every moment of preparing an improvised meal
for myself
slowly, pausing to choose the best song
the best song
the best song
dash of this dash of that
knowing what my body wants
eating it slowly, pacing
picking it up, setting it down
finally let myself just slip into sleep
and dream
dream hidden fears slipping away
some I didn’t even know were buried
watching them like a documentary
had to do with the lines in my hand and
having babies I’m scared to ruin
and I’m forgetting
already
the big ideas I was taking for granted as permanent
I’ve been so unable to truly love
unable to access what I make as love
unable
what a joke
I was talking on a rotary phone
on the top floor of an old inn
Lucia was looking after my toddler in the next room
sent her to me when I hung up
and it was so natural to lift her in my arms
I wish I could remember the other parts
it was so straight forward
such direct refuting of specific bullshit
three different palms
each with varying degrees of wrinkles on the life line
the emptiest and fullest vanishing for one that was
just right
honest and open
I accept
just being
just being
is who we truly are
just walking through the neighborhood
fucking laughing
to myself
how perfectly
it all checks out
it's literally too much to write
I keep it in my pocket
like a lucky rock
why is it all so beautiful this fake dream this craziness why?
love and love and love and love
feeling like an actual phoenix
I wake up and the sky is overcast
I know I'll be able to drink coffee again today
and the flowers will get their rain
<3 <3 <3
