Thursday, October 15, 2020

question soup 2.0





naked in the Sunday sun

the fan licks 

everything I hung on the black wall

dancing with corners coming unstuck


the fluttering


he's painting a flower with his tongue


I'm tripping on colors


rainbows, black and sunshine


subterranean matter making earthly shapes


holographic, sparkling


















what even is a relationship?

an envelope you step in and out of

consent to a mutual reality

something to see by, to see through




I sit on the bench over the beach 

with a cigarette as heavy as the ocean

little girls or are they little seals 

bobbing in the surf

this doing nothing

is who we really are






I want to see the flowers the way I saw them

I want to see the people they way I saw them

I want to hear the celestial music

see the higher order again

be better for the people I love

make them better too

october 14


normal person  after
opening a book 
this morning
the better 
to
                tackle       an intra
personal  workload 

volunteer my brain
to compute progress
   
  a slow typist

I sms,
I need love

songs with doorbells

in   headphones


the drums sound

         
        across the street

spread the word
evenly,
my contacts

eating 
alone

we compare
and contrast
but it's just

this   big evening




Tuesday, October 13, 2020

zoya


an ultrasound on my 
un-pregnant belly
it's the closest thing 
to tlc, despite our
small tussle
tell me, I said,
is it normal? 

she said she couldn’t tell me
she said, enjoy your weekend,
you’re young

how come my reactions 
are scrolls
I frowned 
for like
1 minute
of silence
for my woes

Sunday, October 4, 2020

harvest moon

my heart breaks something like
in half to not be Home 
in October 

I feel like cardboard instead

for the 8th time 
in sensory hell

Sunday, September 27, 2020

sunday the student


on the verge of dying for poetry
again, the boring exorcism of hiatus 
looking back at the word bank
all shy

B said some poems just
walk away! 
like children

*

J died 7 years ago, today
a dark autumn night in NY
the hill we climbed 
with the news

*

today is a triangle
with an exclamation point inside

J says
we can't ever do what we want to do
anymore, that's the new secret club

today I go, 
what is a 7 years
a bouquet?
some off lights
reflecting the sun

the triangle with 
the exclamation point
extends 
as if 
encrypted

*

last Yom Kippur
I went to services in SF
where I met an old friend 
and her young dad
the early city was
bright gold

later we wrote
what we didn't need
on scraps of paper and
put them in a clear vase of 
tap water

for atonement, 
I brainstorm some pools in the area

*

the blood thing
is really more 
about draining
 
I fainted in the 
process of 
playing cool

they pushed a Kiss 
into my mouth and
squeezed me and
low key reprimanded me

the bad quiz on loop 

I can't see my own eyes!
or bite my own teeth

*
wrong gained weight

the green bird screams

I'm 
at you!
@you and you, etc.

the male nurses
this week

as wrong grows,
the seasons lose their hallmarks
LA ahead on this 
particular mix 
of flatlines

perennial mosquitos
@mylegs
#watchme

riding the ghosts
of rounded edges



Friday, September 25, 2020

Dear P

I've been so out of touch with myself,
like forgotten how to be curious about my mind...

but last night I slept long and dreamed about a place with cabins:
many divided, yet thematic households on the property
I was performing there, maybe some type of festival
I had some romance with a blank man who was hard to love, because he was blank
a big group of us went for a walk into the dark forest/mountains, on a sort of ridge
beneath us was a rushing river, it got darker and darker as we walked
I wondered if it was fire smoke but it was so easy to breath (mist)
shadowy figures (boys) effortlessly jumping off rocks into the river 
the sight of big, moving water almost brought me to tears

Monday, September 21, 2020

gay



habits are
           bad

           this week
I’m backhanding 
my forehead 
and 
thickening plots 

spying 
  on the
    plume’s return

carrying 
the annual 
    haunting of home

the sad memory
of water &
when she told me
to be like it 
[water]

we’re on the couch 
at the airport hotel
she’s soft, high

she saw heaven

and isn’t scared




Saturday, September 19, 2020

for the living


acquired taste 
to the point 
of   no return 

you just

lay there by the juniper

deep 

in the practice of surrender/

while the moon

eclipses
lowercase fear

just like
Together

"we" cuz 
I'm getting bigger


*

if Longing
would shed itself 
like a snake and 
surprise me



...

a long river city 




whose architecture 
reps desire 
and at once 
resolve

her knee highs
her healthcare


...






Thursday, September 17, 2020

ʎpɐǝʇs ʞɔoɹ



today the kids made tissue swords 
exerting themselves in the ash
the 3 of them, literary
windswept
the dust bowl
the cul de sac

the boudarylessness of
blessings, curses
talking fences/feeling
nothing       moderate, mega 
in lieu of     stretch in lieu of
cutting
the train assembles
poems slipping and 
sliding the dead friend
with the past tense name

just wanna be at the club
with the mosh pit the
mash up where 
at 3 am 
dystopia 
checks out



Saturday, September 12, 2020

skywriting by jane pauley


















I cry looking at photos of great grandma Sally
because she's got the eyes
the eyes that are 3000 years old

















sitting on the deck with Dad
swarm of crows flying in synch 
vanishes into the fog

















Grandma tells me about a time 
Mom painted herself green, put tinfoil 
on her head, and went to the bar

















open field with a window
open field with a window
open field with no child

















don't call it an episode 
I'm not your TV

















my heart isn't actually inside me
it's where they all are

















Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Oz / Zoom

Will says he's like a dog

cos he gets along with everyone in the park

and we both say god made dirt and dirt don't hurt


I roll down the slope into the center of the dog bowl

then jump up and run a full lap around it shrieking 

we scream along to Boys are Back in Town


Will conducts us on air instruments

Leo plays bass and sings low

we all try on all 3 pairs of sunglasses for 3 different views of the sunset

I get down on one knee and chug a bottle of water

then demonstrate how to carry 15 things at once

using my feet to pick everything up


Will's in pain and we need to get him home

we take his arms and are off to see the wizard

stopping and starting down the brick path 


Will begs me to put my shoes on

I say if he insists he has to help like Cinderella 

and first can he hold them so I can jump in the hedge


we move three steps forward two steps back all the way to the apt

I turn Will's hat inside out and shape it tri-point like a sailor

he tucks his socks into it like puppy dog ears


***


there are rumors about me now

about the mess and the homeless man


to them I’m still the cat locked in the box

doing god knows what


but the whole joke

is that it's only as bad as you think it is

Saturday, September 5, 2020

ambrette pipette

cool blue + tie dye = soft sky
looking up from the open box of Kayla's backyard
I see power lines and think sheet music
base + heart + head = the symphony of a perfume
the white planks of that balcony's railing are piano keys
dancing + apples = dappled
the bamboo is the wind section
the sun is soprano
soft sky + full = skull
the clean flat cement might be mezzo
and the wind chime is implied

Thursday, September 3, 2020

alphabet soup

the night I sat on the balcony 

watching the moon cross the sky


Jamie’s ghost touched everything in the apartment

turned my pairs of shoes at perpendicular angles


propped up the sheep brain dissection kit

scooted out my desk chair


it was so subtle

I could have done it myself


what's the difference between 

hallucination and metaphor


seeing the story over the story

the world behind the world


I don't want to say too much

but something I can tell you now;


it's a lie 

that nothing rhymes with orange


the buddha quality

of a stuffed animal


how two dots and a line 

make a gracious face


I was sure he was in my bathroom

staring at that tum on the tile floor


and I realized how trauma 

is like schrodinger's cat


the keloided narratives that stay fucked up

for as long as the door is closed


I keep seeing a soft sky full of tiny letters 

like alphabet soup


and the afterimage of a cool blue fairy

pepper's ghost


and there's something extra 

we're elaborating on now


about washer women

gossips and yentas


about twins, togetherness

about the tree and the stone

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

new day new age

next part 
best part
feeling it all out 
so swisher sweet 
a candy chain like
cool blue gatorade
again again
all of my twins
the things I saw
I’ll tell you soon
the sound in
Mario - Let Me
Love You 
howling 
at the moon
let me be the 
1, 2
I can’t write poems
I’m having 
too much fun 
doing math
doing the dishes
loving emojis

being damned


the dry lightning storm 
to the north

the moon drama, up

the cold sand, cum
every August
at once

*

AIM apparition--

if it were,
the watering hole

The Wednesday

raised by 
ON, the TV
the basement 

*

rolling on the floor
after hours
for reasons 
the sidewalk
the gum spots
the moon

*

partial to the merch
of my coast
perennials 
garbage 

*

eating around the spinal chords

boundaries embodied 
or
synthetic fences


Monday, August 24, 2020

cloudless sulphur (phoebis sennae)

Zhou, Billie and Edith in heaven
the plan to burn 3 tiny flags
thinking more about
the matching and the rhyming
Symphony in Blue
a chartreuse butterfly's infatuation with red tail lights
Why Should I Love You?
which is green plus purple for sure
and we've done been knowing
via Minnie the Perfect pink Angel
how ascending notes get you closer to heaven
and descending notes are like raindrops
that water the dirt and fill the river


what always runs but never walks,
often murmurs, never talks, 
has a bed but never sleeps, 
has a mouth but never eats?

Saturday, August 22, 2020

dewdrop trellis

with each night of dreaming
the necessary processes 
draw nearer to their conclusions
everything is almost-solved

in this second world
tasks are delegated equally
no one man gets all the credit  
on the seventh day, we redistribute rest

a black flower with a pulsing rainbow periphery
8 variations on one woman 
the elegant design 
of our specific functions

consider what the point might be
of indoctrinating children with magic
through media and schooling 
then abruptly cutting them off at a certain age 

if magic is what makes us human
and consciously or otherwise, we all want to go back
perhaps the longing of separation is only installed
to motivate productivity and reproduction

to make us capable of persuasion at all
either way, I dare you 
to live each and every minute
like whiskers on kittens 

Friday, August 21, 2020

PBS

1 mandarin orange
3 slices fiesta cheese pizza
1 purple lollipop
1 pink hard candy
1 paper cup of brut rose
1 paper cup sandia y basil jugo
1 cucumber limon gatorade
1 cool blue gatorade
1 seltzer poured into half full gatorade
1 couple cup passionfruit green tea w/ chia seeds + lavender milk tea w/ honey boba
1 pink concha cut in thirds
1 chocolate concha cut in thirds
1 white cinnamon concha cut in thirds
1 elephant ear cut in thirds
17 takis fuego
5 plantain chips
1 cup vegetable broth ("free soup")
4 tamales
6 chicken yakitori
1 liquore strega + seltzer + angostura orange bitters + lime + ice cube



 

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

hair clip 2.0

we walk into Morris park 
the trail along the creek
he follows me on the way in
I see every leaf, mica fish scale, pebble 
as distinct, outlined
like a paint by numbers of the woods
we sit on rocks to talk
I take off my shoes and socks
place my feet in the creek up to my ankles
dip my hands up to my wrists
Cowboy chews on sticks
walks through the water like a buffalo
comes up to me wet to nuzzle
we talk in a circle
I stare at tiny fish 
then dry my feet with my socks
put my shoes back on 
and we leave the park
I follow him on the way out
deserve is a complicated word

Monday, August 17, 2020

all dogs

beautifully balanced towers of dishes
perfect brown boxes packing themselves 
you can't keep a good dog down plays
I braid Celia’s hair / it braids itself
and we look into the sherbet expanse
that is a cartoon sky
I’m obsessed with the order 
of primary, secondary & tertiary
how orange is glow
how heaven is clocks
I know a lot about my own 
boring book of days 
and having to enchant the gatekeeper
to get back in the mix
harnessing the color wheel 
plus the circle of fifths
and endless Venn diagrams 


Sunday, August 16, 2020

baguette-me-not

us Three Women 
stopped at the crosswalk
feeding each other bread 
as we walk home from the store
I do our laundry 
hang it up on the porch
it stays a little damp cos it rains all night
when folding I love guessing
who is whose
I note that 
C has always had powerful socks
and K has lots of bleachy items
but I also get some smaller items wrong 
which I also love

when I close my eyes

theres [enough!] looped beats

    I’m doing flips 

at those Philadelphia 

gas stations

round and

    round wall of virus

full body/august


when I close my eyes

theres love, reasons

Coffee 

Drama

drank a cup of 

pre-covid, filled with 

The Cafe

a bottle of wine

history up thru 

my feet

poetry 

    propped

my phone 

redeemed


Home (the feeling)

in my blood like 

the s's 

in east coast


counting our exclusive

evenings of

the shortest summer ever 

if summer means together


the garden flowers on our dinner



Saturday, August 15, 2020

the sight of the fantasy / the seen of the crime


everyone wants to go back

to the site, to the scene

of favorite fleeting configuration(s)

and wild combos

but there is a way to keep things so raw 

they don’t calcify

into nostalgia or trauma

and instead keep kicking like 

fish in a stocked pond

or pot marigold 

reseeding itself

just listen in closely

for all the world’s rhyming 

and keep composing anew each day

like hitting refresh on memory

Sunday, August 2, 2020

casting


zen yenta for the first time in my whole entire life

like magic is 100% the truest thing I know

joke that Kayla and I are so zen 

you could call us the yin yang twins 

stupidest and funniest thing to me 

I laugh all day


letting in ideas 

that were just behind glass

all along

feeling like a bread and puppet ass bitch

thinking 

wax dipped passion flower 

river mussel shell butterfly 

wind chime

thinking again more clearly

about the mom/dad/god wind chime

knowing I can finally write

a song that isn't sad

adorn myself with 

every single color of the rainbow

if I want


I walk to visit the fence with the passionflowers

they need water, wilting a little

but I'm not worried, it'll rain


on the way I run into everyone I want to see 

Will and Sam by the community garden

so easy 

to love everyone now


I want to free everyone I meet

thank everyone for who they are


I keep thinking about Stanley’s dangly rhinestone earring 

glinting in the sun against his weathered face

how tired he must be

how to release him too

same age as mom, same cycle of abuse

he must be so tired


blowing kisses 

to the sun

all those clever little squirrels and sparrows

the moon, the stars

to Jamie and the whole cast of angels

thank you 

thank you 

thank you


cherish every moment of preparing an improvised meal

for myself

slowly, pausing to choose the best song

the best song

the best song

dash of this dash of that 

knowing what my body wants

eating it slowly, pacing

picking it up, setting it down


finally let myself just slip into sleep 

and dream

dream hidden fears slipping away

some I didn’t even know were buried

watching them like a documentary 


had to do with the lines in my hand and 

having babies I’m scared to ruin

and I’m forgetting 

already  

the big ideas I was taking for granted as permanent 


I’ve been so unable to truly love

unable to access what I make as love

unable 

what a joke


I was talking on a rotary phone 

on the top floor of an old inn

Lucia was looking after my toddler in the next room

sent her to me when I hung up 

and it was so natural to lift her in my arms


I wish I could remember the other parts 

it was so straight forward

such direct refuting of specific bullshit


three different palms

each with varying degrees of wrinkles on the life line 

the emptiest and fullest vanishing for one that was 

just right

honest and open


I accept 

just being 

just being

is who we truly are

just walking through the neighborhood 

fucking laughing 

to myself

how perfectly 

it all checks out


it's literally too much to write

I keep it in my pocket

like a lucky rock 



why is it all so beautiful this fake dream this craziness why?


love and love and love and love

feeling like an actual phoenix


I wake up and the sky is overcast

I know I'll be able to drink coffee again today

and the flowers will get their rain


<3 <3 <3