I didn’t have time to decide how I feel about everything
On this flight
It’s good to decide how to feel before going home
I was too exhausted but couldn’t get comfortable
Now we’re descending slowly over the black and yellow SF night
opaque brownish gray clouds hang over the soft gold grid
thick like there’s smoke mixed in with the salty bay air
I think of medieval humors
Are we passing through clouds or mountains
Lucia Berlin’s stories really hit the nail on the head
in their portrayal of the East Bay
As magical and beautiful, but filthy too
The majesty of mountains surrounding the city
Where light pollution seems to hover at night like
This is just the way it is
The walking for miles
Playing the game of trying to make it to the next stop before the bus shows up
How the bus never shows up if you sit there waiting
Having serious, incoherent conversations
with people who sleep on benches
Being a teen here
I would entertain all kinds of nonsense
in hopes of finding magicmysterytruth
So scared of the normal
*
In the afternoon we drive up the coast
Joe’s Cafe in script
PET ARCADE
Mary’s Hide & SLEEP
The Mt. Tam Motel
freeway-side businesses unchanged since the ‘50s and the signs
Still vibrant rust red
Hide & SLEEP ... !?
I search my head
for what I dreamt about last night
On the cold air mattress
as we drive up to the California country cowboy beach towns
Point Reyes, Inverness
heart pangs
The dusty young surfer at the restaurant on Tomales Bay
Eating alone at the bar
dusty blue coat and brown slip on boots
curly dark hair
smiling softly to himself
the peaceful twinkle eyes of someone battered by the ocean
just a timeless dharma bum
everything about this mode
soft and open
*
Step mom always serving, pouring, inviting
The two of us drink wine in the kitchen
I feel a twinge in my stomach
What price to pay for this generosity
Pinch me?
I look at the cut on my left thumb
New cells tightening around what was a crescent shaped slice
When I feel particularly depressed
the way the body heals is reassuring
If my cells can regenerate so quickly and completely
Surely my thoughts can too
