Tetilla

I want to write down the names 

of all of the mountains around Santa Fe

Sangre de Cristo

Cerillos

Ortiz

La Tetilla

Jemez

and the hill to find our house by

Cerro de la Cruz

our hill

as a teenager

mom could march out the back door

through cholla and desert sage

straight up to the top of the rocky hill

without a single property or fence in her way

now you have to walk along the frontage road

past scrappy houses

yards with the big gates open

and the dogs in them knowing not to leave

and lots of trailers for sale

to get to our hill

our hill, our dreams

my grandma named the house

Nuestros Sueños

so corny but it’s like Mrs. Ramsay

in To The Lighthouse

musing about seeing oneself in inanimate things

finding solace in that

claiming the beams of light from the lighthouse 

as herself, her beams

I want to be connected to those mountains

I want to share something with them

their immutability

their command of the landscape

they belong there, and I so want to belong

I like that Tetilla means breast

but the shape isn’t a crazy huge breast

just a slight one like mine

it’s affirming that it's...

worthy of the name breast?

and I think, of course this place

would be affirming of that

Hatha with Nora

I wish I was reliving a dream right now
at noon, reading it back even a bad one
there's something nourishing,
knot-opposite in the waking reflection
on loss of control

this morning I picked Ocean
as the life-affirming source
to meditate on
it was a glitching thing
the way my vision of the sea
was spliced with dirty life
flickering away from me

touching my neighbor's fingers
in a voluntary twist

crying given the chance
just to think of the ocean

cvs 2018

bleeding all over self-checkout
from an orange papercut red
blood hope no one thinks I
put my pack of gum on top
the drops I'm laughably nasty

what if I was making them up
an infestation hallucination
a prompt
just sucking my time's blood

BS Dust

Hannukah came and went

as it does

a quirky background/

alt idea for December

the little girls I babysit

shitting on the random Jewish holidays

that they get school off for

no one even celebrates them 

someone should at least tell the kids

what, why, etc.

I would love the most

adult job

to balance my time spent

with children

something 21+

something not just any warm 

body could do

any scarecrow

dream ad

I’m watching a 1970s
advertisement for a brand of wigs
a woman with strawberry blonde
feathered wig on a pinkish backdrop
snow is falling in big perfect flakes around her
and the tag line says
See How Naturally It Falls
referring to both the snow and her wig

Peace ROSE

the stamps I bought to mail our checks
to pay for our apt
PEACE ROSE
they say
with v vaginal pink rose image

mundanity woes
sitting in traffic
googling atms
to deposit cash
making myself
carsick

everyone’s yelling
when I get home
it’s very
relaxing

song song

this morning pulling into
the parking lot at work
there was a song of a sunrise
waiting for me to see it
pull right up to it
yellow mixed with faintest blue
angel singing clouds
so this is east

at the Little Ladies exhibit of Victorian fashion dolls
there was the tiniest pocket watch
tiny clock on one end then a gold chain
leading to a tiny five-petaled flower
on the tiny other end
what is it with that miniature feeling
it's like the way these letters look
on this page
could even break my heart

 t
  i
n
 y

the accessories are the best
better than the dresses
tiny hairbrush, mirror
sewing kit, earrings

I dented my car on a concrete
pillar in the parking lot
of the museum
big crunch
my car is not so tiny
not so tiny as I thought
in that moment

after work, turning back onto my street
the sun again
setting right at the end of my block
like another song
and that is west
a cartoon bookended day

like I just bop in my car
work east home west
jump into some striped pajamas
turn out the light and
go to sleep
with tiny z's

Orange Paper 4:30 am

we were going to the sea
me and my mind?
we saw J laying on a plastic bench
a gusty ferry deck
I'd seen this as a photo before
he had a small Italian sister
who I had just gotten to know

later I was on a walk
down Via Marisol
I picked up one of those
basic, poison berries
and ate it

I had to babysit at 1 pm
but I was on a time strike
so there was no way to know
if I'd be late

I gagged and spit the berry
onto the sidewalk
now transformed into
basically, tar

was I with my mind or
was I my mind?

later
I threw some kind of linen
onto my mom's big brass bed
and inspected the duvet crumbs
for bugs

was my mom my mind?

I woke up with a scratchy throat
(poison berry)

lavender kashmir

do you ever feel like
a slave to your hormones?
so taken on a ride
at this point when I’m feeling good
I just wait
for the rug to get pulled out from under me

there are castles and
mansions all over Pennsylvania
its wild you can just bump into them

Tuesday, Dream Map contd.

I was in Italy with
Dad, Jake, Maris
I knew lots of people there
we were on a kind of train car
with low walls on very narrow tracks
between two bodies of water
it became a rollercoaster ride
a big stomach drop

Flannery delivered to me
a funny piece of reflector
something for safety

I wasn't alone in wishing
I was alone

without knowing all the people

someone thought blown out

I saw gravel coming up and
remembered my shoes were
two hours away
which is close sometimes
but not for shoes

I thought
a concentration camp
is 4 hours away

Europe, crumbly,
women, sleeping,
disappointment, marriage

a spam call from NJ
woke me up from
Part 1 of this dream
that I really wanted to stay in
I can see the shapes
but no faces, no content
something was beautiful
or someone, a good prospect
a feeding?

Part 3:
Sex in the City
Lenu goes to
Sarah Lawrence

Jefferson Park, Pasadena

paid but a smidge
in the dark library
I show her r crumb
she is unphased
I read audre and look at
addictedMEapartments
pictures of carpet on other
screens

parked illegally in the right lane
on this big street at rush hour/
happy hour I wait
my car hazards flashing
I imagine someone
driving straight into it
crushing it like a soda can
the thought hurts my body


Mind-Body Class for 5th graders

anatomy
cross section/layers
biodegradable doll making
self-portraits
shapes
clothing
mind-body wigs
chair
body extensions
pillows
safety costume
casting
digestion
exquisite corpse
cake body
clay organs
draw on skin
date/coconut bodies
doll burial
pea shoots in grave

l'isola

the line of fur on
my dog's stomach
like a seam on a stuffed
animal also he is a pink
spotted piglet

looks like he's buried in the sand
at the beach I can't 
think about you driving off to leave 
barely awake
to take a little nap 
while the road is straight...

I start to sing in my head
because Cowboy is
always languid at night
like a sunbather
and his coloring like
a sandy melon

Sunday Sun Down

it happens so fast
this time of year
the light goes
inside one of these
beautiful, curated homes
I change my mind to
match it

the kid hasn't napped
and begins to resent me
with the night

I putz around
explaining Hannukah
set off by the lit fireplace
and family casually
swirling

I leave their world, paid
for another luxurious apartment
a party with a wine table

we play dreidel

put one in
take half
take everything
or nothing

--

what will home do?
affirm loss?
postpone an exorcism?
dad's getting married?

I've lost my appetite
with each bug
dead or alive
we need that dog to tell us
give that dog a job

in over my head and folded
like dirty laundry

but it's the morning
so I try and do a spine stretch the right way
to stave off defeat

transform self-pity
into an exhale

le scarpe

Andrea Zittel in a 2001 interview
in Bomb Magazine says
she's very organized but she hates cleaning
because it just undoes itself
the semblance of activity
but nothing is actually made

I cleaned too much today
the kitchen in the morning just to use it
the living room
literally cleaned the ashes
out of the fireplace like Cinderella
(oh poor me)

the women in Ferrante world
are always setting tables
ironing shirts
Lenu studies so she won't have to
but those things are given such weight
such importance

Consideration

I actually fell
wearing the baby
a puffy green bruise
on my knee, the baby
doesn't mind, smiles
the bruise gives me
a fever and I think
of new shoes

I dream of new pants
listless, molasses
aversed to work
a hot slog through
a denim dream, a loop
cargo pockets
tight on my ass
falling perfectly
at my new?
shoes




Dream of holding a baby at the bar where everyone worked- Jake, Khae, Jooki...it was family style. The baby bundle in all black, it was worrisome. I considered getting a job. 

windflower

do you know what I mean?
the vertical sidewalks of winter
my legs in tights my feet in loafers
I'm tiny out there
it's paralyzing
force myself to walk my dog
it's not so bad
but far from special




Saturday mornings I wake up and avoid
the big house for as long as possible
look up how to make Korean style grilled mackerel
listen to Pharaoh Sanders
feel the sun on my skin through our window
does anyone else feel trapped on a Saturday?
I know everything I want to do
but I can't cut out a space for it
dot dot dot