2049

 

xo

 
he said the floor was lava
and laid me down on the bed

took off my apron and socks

then went to do all the dishes

we worried about it a little bit,, but that's all

I'd love to fall harder than for a friend

and for it to be allowed

it's been a very long time

I told lori-may about my acupuncture appointment

and the butterflies in my stomach about seeing him after

she noted the image of those butterflies being pinned

the plan of the house, the body in bed

the car that got stuck, it’s the mud, it’s the mud

a stick a stone, it’s the end of the road

it’s the rest of the stump, it’s a little alone 

it’s a sliver of glass, it is life, it’s the sun

it is night, it is death, it’s a trap, it’s a gun

fire for a while

 

flowers etched on mirrors in the back of your mind

why a daydream 

of the cool dark isles of a pet store? 

scent of cedar, alfalfa, millet

white mice and inscrutable fish

watching them quietly do not disturb

05062023

a sunset with the prettiest eyes

you're so see thru

I think we are equal parts 

heart and mind

and what we do

and how others reflect us

and how we reflect others

..99~*drifted

desk

to lately be sharing 

    my bed with just 

sand 

    it's fine 

have you ever seen

a drawing made in  

gunpowder? 

              how when 

lit from one end the 

fire races    along it 

like a snake 

            all the way 

    to the other? 

distortion high on 

the fretboard sings

to me like that; 

hot,         sparkling 

songs make me cry

daily but      I can't 

tell sometimes  the

tears feel A.I.? like

  tears very witness

or replicant     as in 

moved by not   my 

own heart        but? 

because    I want it         

like because    they 

are       silk chiffon

the curtains I made

hover like     

                     a dog

(*fog) like 

once when I was 16 

I left class  because 

I was stuck  

in third person      I

walked as far as 

I         couldn't stop 

crying so hard that 

my nose bled thick 

dots onto the steps    

where I was hiding

dad and us     on the 

fog beach with the 

dog     a treat in his 

hand wind whipping 

a strand of hair into

my mouth red jacket

lined w/ fleece b&w 

striped shirt

I was this I was that

I was    any     thing

I can't really    look

at those photos  not 

now, here  knowing

what           happens

window729

  2 pale dusty roses dropping petals on the sill 

 

 no matter 

how I fill the 

  hours waiting 

for me at the 

end of 

the day is 

a bridge to 

nowhere like

did I

  accidentally

see myself 

  to the door?

and I'm 

  terrified

all songs are crazy

allsongsarecrazy “”

song 1

no i can’t find the old you

not even as mine

or in the future when i’m special and smooth 

how the sun will cook me in dusty rectangles

and still

in the lq store 

when i’m dressed clown in the titled mirror

pick my vice,        like a fruit

be done 

song 1b        

and  still

the whole picture with no  footprints     in  the     snow

it’s so miss

1c

slide me as piece 

you as door guy

watch my hand 

take the ticket

dark tn and your door   you’re my door guy

1d

tossing a free lemon to tree level 

staying for the end  lemons 

just on the ground  being done

dream

watching battleships from the shore

babysitting expensive children

the end

staying for the end my friend’s 

new kid 

friend 

told me that whoever is inside me is safe and will emerge informed later when i explained feeling like a shell and craving oysters 

meanwhile in the dugout my visions blur the chainlink i’m happy

song 2

i don’t remember our love but i remember you

no beliefs, no kinks 

dream 2 your house was nestled into the mountain so close to the clouds right where wind was being made                        

1 astronomer says the heavens begin right at ground level so wherever there is ground there is sky

so wherever the earth ends—

song 3

needing the city inside of me/being inside of it isn’t enough 

friend 1 missing from the whole picture   this whole picture 

severed like a heavy cabbage split and left to fall 

if cabbage was more butter

how if rolls and haunts

looking to draw as in draw out or   continue 

you 

as chord progression 

slide me or

turn me as  page  bible thin

thinking sideways or 

how the rearview brings a moment ago into the frame of the moment ahead

see 1a, me as 1b, 1clown in the titled mirror 

it’s like this now   being alive 

in small curls of broken news 

dear 1,

should i just—

i already told everyone

meeting you was like finding 

reality 

perwana writes me layers of nothing

the morning after ice cream at the bar

it’s funny my latest fantasy is swift 

imperceptible even 

see (1c) when you reach for me

on hold  beneath the coin

that’s fatally both but   

heads up

fragclept0_41423

 

 a w9 for

"Status Symbol 

Auto Body"

my baby's so vain 

she's almost a mirror

arrows with no target

shackles made of snow

do you want to be 

the ditch around a tower?

there are lots of

different kinds of 

"two kinds of  people 

in this world"

you can suck on the hard candy

of an "always" or a "never"

but I prefer the softness 

of a noun

I almost bought the giant silver

fork and knife at Goodwill

love's not the way 

to treat a friend

there are so many better 

things for you

than to see your feelings sold

as magic lanterns 

to somebody whose body

casts no light

dog

in a dream I 

was propagating

an iridescent purple 

plant that grew so 

quickly I looked 

away and when I 

looked back it 

had grown in 

and around the 

furniture and up 

the whole wall

to the ceiling

it started to look 

like scarred skin 

a third degree

burn bubbling 

and warped

dreams clutched

in our thighs

once it was always

now it's never

regularly at work

I open envelopes 

that smell like soapy 

perfume and are full of 

handwritten notes 

in warbling ballpoint

cursive on small 

sheets of paper from

kitchen notepads 

that have borders 

with watercolor

flowers hummingbirds

etc, to explain each 

and every enclosed 

document medical 

record receipt 

and scrap of paper

I appreciate the 

thoroughness

and imagine 

the tiled countertops

slick plastic

landline phones 

on the wall the local news

on the tv 

in the next room

I imagine all of

these decorative stationary

equipped maybe

octogenarian women

as a network

of far flung sisters 

from the old world

of longhand and 

thank you notes

you look to me like

misty roses

too soft to touch

but too lovely 

to leave alone

you look to me

like love forever

too good to last

but too lovely

not to try

pocket watch

it rained last night 

very hard and loud
and I had a cinematic dream 

in 5 very specific parts

that were labeled like an outline

    1.)

    2.)

    3.)

    4.)

    5.)

at the start of each part 

I saluted myself
for sleeping so well

and with such clarity

    1.)

        the narrative arc

        was about young woman

        who was the daughter 

        of a serial killer

        we went to boarding school

        together and shared a large bed

        with one other girl

        we were sitting at one of those

        faux wood topped school tables 

        making mosaic style collages 

        with construction paper 

        and mod podge

        I was also making

        an ellaborate sash style body chain 

        with silver ball chain beads

        and gingham bows

        for a silver pocket watch 

        that hung in the center of my chest

        the serial killer's daughter

        kept coming over and painting wet strokes

        on my construction paper page

        and snatched up my sash 

        and dipped it in a muddy puddle

        I was frustrated but

        decided the mud added     

        some desirable effect

    5.)

        in the final act

        the serial killer's daughter

        was a wild German shepherd

        running down a dusty desert road

        trying to escape her father

        she stopped in a gas station

        bathroom to clean up then ran

        behind the gas station

        into the wild expanse

        I tried to pour a blood colored

        message into her ears

        but there was a gap where they

        connected to her head

        and the message just 

        leaked out

        so I didn't know how

        to help her

        that was the only way

        I could think of to reach her

        brain, seeing as she was

        a dog now and only spoke   

        a dog's language

abuelitas

I want you to see something

the next time a man on the street

tells you you're beautiful 

say I know

and watch him try to take it back

I take my 15s now

she hears her own voice 

so loud and distorted 

in her head that she was 

reluctant to speak at all

I walk down the very center 

of the empty parking lot

and sit with my back pressed 

against the yellow fire hydrant

the shimmering fall sun dances

and one plane with its white line

is framed in the church window

between my hat and sunglasses

mpd3

pleased to report 

  that practically 

everyone 

  in this town 

smokes Camels...

I get a red 99 from a 67ish 

  man in the smokers’ corral 

at Asti,, he says I have

  cool style 

people freak out

  when I put on the

white cowboy boots

his friend said

  WE’RE TALKING

ABOUT THE

  TWILIGHT ZONE

yeah buddy

  I say back then 

find another merely

  10% smoked Merit

on the pavement

  I'll disinfect it 

in the sun I 

  reassure them

67ish was wearing 

  a polo and the crispiest

white vans with tall socks

  I have ever seen

you look like you just 

  stepped off a yacht

I tell him and

  he seems pleased

I walk slow

  along the levee

stopping to sit on

  the bumpy ground

for a bit because 

  I am still

unemployed

-Salad sounds good. Do you

  think you'll be her by 7 pm?

texts Grandma

  a frayed black tarp

billows up revealing

  a blue Harley on 

the back of a truck

-Not quite

  -Taking it real slow

-Sitting by the river 

  it's so pretty

the Merit is harsh

  and bitter

-really?

  -Yes ma'am

-You sound like a woman who

  want to escape

I send the shrug

  then peace dove 

emojis

I stop at Blinken's 

  cottage on my dad's 

property to pick some 

  tomatoes 

he says just the person 

  I wanted to see! Cos 

I found this for you--

  and hands me a newspaper

clipping of an article

  called "The Follow Up"

about job interviews

I suggest we split 

  a beer and ask for 

just a baby sized glass 

  we poke around 

the half bolted 

  raised beds as the 

sun starts to set

moocher's paradise diary, 2

  I bum a 

Camel 

  Red from 

a weathered 

  blue-eyed 

gentleman

  conversing 

with

   himself

John Wayne

    he bought 

 her a 

    martini... he 

 bought her 

    a martini 

and said 

   "how'd you 

like to be 

   queen of 

the cow

       girls?"

I say 

   I'd like that 

but he 

  wasn't actually 

   talking 

to me

 stepping 

lightly

  along the 

city hall 

  rose garden 

runway 

  I offer each 

vivacious 

    bloom 

  a drag

and think 

    of the playing

cards painting 

    the white 

flowers red 

     for the

Queen o' 

    Hearts

   the monarchs

dip around us 

   drunk 

or 

 hungover 

I stop at 

   a handful 

of shoppes

  to offer up

my time

   for money

dosing out

   some loves 

and hunnys

  from my

lipstick'd

  mouth

I keep

  a deflective

hat and

   glasses on 

to medusa 

   any men 

waiting 

   in the 

shade 

  to hurl 

unsolicited

  advice 

in my

   direction

as they are 

   so reliably

want 

  to do...

hi

after half a year of

psychic frostbite

I find myself abruptly 

spilled open like a 

cherry cordial

tears befall me here

and now then and 

there again

throughout the day

warm and soft like 

the bathtub Atlantic

I walk to the beach

stopping at the Brady’s

Yacht Club plastic 

white patio fence

to get a cigarette from 

a man who offers me 

a choice of Newport

or Marb Lite

how awful 

was that great

hermitude

it felt so 

sincerely endless

but was just

a long bad 

dream

I’ll never again forget

that family friendship

love comfort

privacy

emotions

and daydreams

are an utter

privilege 

to have in surplus

the way I do

I cry me a river

that leads to 

your ocean

but happily

this time

3 weeks

the sky looks around the moon

birds sing crazy and me 

into my hand

playing the child's guitar

green, easy 

as putting in your bag

our thing 

about kissing

cracker jack

red hook

black & mild 

flags blow

all the parks are the one

I remember 

the sun showers correct

and the blue green crop

i'm hopeless

in the bathroom between two songs between

two songs in the bathroom the way

the house works

can't sleep my boobs hurt

fuck hours and their minutes

how several is so seven

you wanted stories all the time

where its unburned

where the road opens huge earth 

grows and trucks shrink

the horizon is one big cloud

since LA kind of pink with 

feelings of when

lemon yellow trash bags

flung

one moment in the clearing

towards language/side 

eyeing the sun it goes

down

I desire the cashier in my

big pants

simple

secret 

top

reason as

tone

still, wanting fractures 

mixing sex with

negative tests

still wanting to finish you

last night, and other nights (notes on suicide)

wishing to be saved

I ask the cat,     will 

 

you?

when all escapes exempt

from linear time and            

each route

deflates   pre   conceive . . ..

the third party     I gag       

on talk    it loosens me 

badly

how night moves in lasso 

,catch 

how Nothing mocks 

my casts 

when heat syncs

this glitch   

                   in business

of wanting, I'm bobbing 

on moonlit surface  > 

the bedroom light  over 

cooks 

amnesia 

punish me

completely 

save me/same   

coin stuff .. . .

Defeat's severe, 

macro   daddy hold 

on (see/how) night moves

      here goes:

      one shape 

      of resist-

      ance to 

    night 

an empty (moonlit) diamond 

here goes

my small defeat 

bogged by sport and 

bench warm

sort of sleeping in shoes    to be contd. 

last day in ny

so bad how 

you called to say goodbye when 

I was     at the busy intersection 

how you're sorry for the mess 

also

clouds are lucky fish 

and the sun does shine

mid august 102

i respond already

thinking 

of your pleasure

in the moment before total night

i make up

the bakery line of the sky

we try it on like a ring

oh

how your handy   makes me 

blue

when i double text   you

come

hotline's edge

moods surface w walls

and cloud like ofc 

but which one

@death seconds

[themes] don't add up

to make me anything 

like sole it's slice like

your stress

while mine

is loving

the rhythm 

on hold

sleep ceaselessly

w the sun 

going

[dream] up 

missing rungs

(wooden)

rocking horse

pinging you

where

clouds 

are painted

and smoke 

circling

that love

again!

so bully

angel180

so wish

 

providence

wet hat first we

travel acrostic but

so down

our same shoes

the glass house

to unsee it now

for fiction I'm

dumb w music

spread out in love

around your bread

rising the pigeon 

sounds I drool to

compute beyond 

pleasure for sport

look other ways 

you say your ears

close like steel

volts/my computer

game approach to

recall-- the soft 

pound of every

water the drops

now are joke all

heart shaped 

kitty cat and

anyways 

another last light

its rectangle movie

w holes/in dis

array but 

the ballet of 

compersion