Monday, March 30, 2020

3 Days That Shook The New World Order

late night
on Saturn’s rings
with lilting ideas about
revolution
I’d like a lazy Susan
conversation
what do you think
about looting
cos it’s fun?

Sunday, March 29, 2020

slow

hand washing laundry in the tub
is very Perfume Universe
the water turns brown
afterimages of a life
rise in the steam
melt into the heat and the chemicals
stuck under the running faucet
of my clear cold mind

a thesis


woke up like I know
except for the gaping middle
a lake? dreams raked
to the edges

star by the top of my mouth
bad sharpie letters
out of my system

jazz plays
the onion again
with the house

Perwana on the onion as home
the peeling
matching
the toppling stone

even a perfect circle
is not safe

the shared sentiment
of the sun

soleil/solidarity

Saturday, March 28, 2020

juicy

"she smells like a familiar clean laundry blanket with some life"




globe


scent as overlapping ribbons

an onion with a house inside

a body of water
getting stagnant

I can hear my neighbor
not texting me back

our twin hallways

prehistorically
the walking trail

the land before time
sifted back to
the coloring book

it says my bitch
finna get thicc as fuck
with 2 spray paint
ice cubes






Thursday, March 26, 2020

&

Z in the clouds again
but this time fading out
like a wave on the shore

5 ventilators





America is a white death cult



ice rinks and
refrigerated trucks
full of bodies



Wednesday, March 25, 2020

the night more there


last night I was actually
inside the helicopter
soaring haphazardly through green
rolling hills, as if
with a remote control

the beautiful immunity of dreams
Concern, just barely
poking through the clouds

one lousy thought
about distance and
we're having sex
in the bed inside
the restaurant

I'd touched every brass knob
every wooden rail
the dirty pink tile
all the pens on the table

concern for distance
fell off of me like
a
a
a loose towel

the helicopter ride back was more official
with a departure time and
a wobbly blond rocker type

a straight up sex dream
shame fell off like--
or shame was stuffed
into my puffer
it was (is) winter

looking back
on no hard feelings
just the silky ease of that series
the pencil holes in the paper


Tuesday, March 24, 2020

it was just like vagabond and also an oil painting especially the dark gray rock of the mountain

setting sun on the balcony
wet damp heavy scent of magnolia
Celia on the phone
she can't taste or smell
there's a soft Z in the clouds
as in the end of the alphabet
sitting in a camping chair
drinking beer like I'm at a bbq

birds eye


everyday I walk around  
in an orange sweatshirt
while the helicopter circles
they can see me/I can see
Pasadena Woman Walks
the translucent periodical
on the top stack in my brain 
projected like, another cloud

at first he asked for a photoshoot
a second he asked
are you homeless?
it's only been 
one week

in my dream Milah (hi)
did Jesus Walks while
the cool 
crowd
cooed
and I, drooled

dreaming also of 
shelving
and 
sleeping longer
the weaker dreams 
fizzling fast

* * *

passage from unknown book via Jake...

Standing off to one side. Seeing only the world 
in fragments, there won't be any other one. 
Moments, crumbs, fleeting configurations-- 
no sooner have they come into existence 
than they fall to pieces. Life? There's no 
such thing; I see lines, planes, and bodies, 
and their transformations in time. Time, 
meanwhile seems a simple instrument 
for the measurement of tiny changes,  
a school ruler with a simplified scale-- 
it's just three points: was is, and will be.

choosing unknown over
knowing 
unfair I know
choosing to think about
that school ruler 
for at least
the rest of the day 



Monday, March 23, 2020

choosing to experience life like







up late smoking weed
stretching my body for
3 hours on each side
chewing on sweet things




everything I see is more there
not really closer but
more there

like the raining night sky
a little bright
a kind of no big deal blue




the electric guitar with the spider strap
the garlic's journey to main ingredient 




poetry right now! it's FULL body
all these reckless puzzle pieces 




the part when 
he goes as far from humans as possible
what did that look like to you?
vagabond the movie
an oil painting
one sausage that lasts 
until the name of a town




the way quiet comes back






Sunday, March 22, 2020

We Have To

I loved when you described him as
cool and spongey
my brilliant friend








don't forget my thesis
about Grenouille in Perfume
about art



my heart is heavy with
things I want to say
and remember







I'll leave it to you
to fill in the blanks






scales on the backs of my hands
from washing

don't forget the feeling like
stripped of pretense
stripped of the fallacy

don't forget the feeling of
listening to the birds for an hour
of sleeping enough







I'll leave it to you
to fill in the blanks

momenti


really looking at the neighborhood
the way taco bell divides us
the big boulevard
the stars giving light
we saw one skater
named him gavin, after the governer
can you believe gavins are old enough to govern?
nope, the ear pods, the hat, the stars
how I saw him at all
the streaky clouds like
soft claw marks on your body
the ones you give yourself in the shower

all the rich freaks casting shadows
of their urns, aloes, fountains
their looping driveways with lamps
every 6 ft, we measure with
Mary's body flat on the sidewalk

the energy of the trees and plants
is something familiar from Art
something like pride in their essence

I take another sip of wine from
my old can and see one more person
with a smirnoff bottle
anar-chee! says Mary
where were we, new orleans
another story
falling in
clean pieces
on the dark street

something like the usual
too bad
to leave the night behind
but an unusual clinging
from the night itself
a sweetness I can't
see leaving

spring covid

how is it beautiful like this
trees heavy with magnolias
the dome of the church quiet
walk down to the street with
trolly tracks running through it
turn left to cross the bridge

Thursday, March 19, 2020

twins

Auntie paints a vivid picture
of Mom on Johnny Dolphin's ranch
holding her stomach
insisting it's twins
fuck the white man's pregnancy tests

her labored shuffle down the dusty desert path
from the geodesic dome to the vegetable garden

these kids inside of me
they're sucking all my energy
as she weeds around the plants
like a manic esthetician

I wonder if it's two sons
to replace her dubious daughters
or a feeling of creation
something just around the corner

I want her to name them
Quarantine
and
Liberty

I Am The 99 Presidents / lost my occupation didn't have no destination anyway


we were pretending
and now we sit in our separate windows
affirmed in our joblessness

almost like we knew this was coming
never at home in our work
only ourselves at home

rejoice or despair
waiting for shit to get real
are there more sirens than usual?

identity as an abstraction
you can't hang a hat on
tenuous at best

thinking about the two sides of the coin
and powers to the people
and how this era is traceable

the timeline so obvious
the vision of apocalyptic illness
I had back in September

the shirt we made in 2011
with
I am the 99 presidents
hand written under pictures of Grand Central
and the old Penn Station in black and white

in crisis world each day is a decade
at first
but it will speed up
and we've got to move

"organizers" are "organizing"

wherever humans are mobilizing
sign me up




past life problems


if right now is a mountain
and also a hole
the sun helps
some color theory

the layers of light since
the winters of teendom
always snagged there
on her fresh, pissed face

surprised by my lack of capacity
to mold, stretch, find the richness
here beside the window

there was a time when I was interested in packaging
and now I wanna vomit up everything I've ever seen

drinking
splitting open
the sweet, over ripe truth that
my mind was once a blank piece of paper
and now

still finding the soft B sides
my door shut

the marble desk
my grandma
ambient
tethers

now I'm relatively old by the window
a vacant strip of dirt
the leaky hose
(of desire)
sputtering, scrolling
devoted to the buzz

recalling the sorrow that takes over
on xmas, for instance
the long and early
digestif of a shut down

there was a time when all I ever wanted
was to be here




Wednesday, March 18, 2020

global pandemic / general strike

unemployment medicaid
taxes online tutoring
phone bank mutual aid
delivery runs
radical reading list
revolution-ready
strength training workout plan

Monday, March 16, 2020

and today 5


so we need leaders
we need to
unite the noise
coalesce the drops
in the bucket

it's still raining
the arabic church music rolls out of her room
im eating it with my soup
drawing an orange

should we
elect leaders amongst our most famous friends
we need to unite the noise
but to release the grind! to really
let it slide out

the other day when the sky cracked and
it was washed blue

now I'm watching my pulse
at an arm's length
I haven't seen it for years

the sky broke
a helicopter emerged

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

look out

...we have a crisis here
that is pretty profound really
and it looks as though they are going to 
bulwark the border
and even pull it up 
closer to where I am
people are circling
it's looking like Standing Rock
but mega huge and 
here in New Mexico
whatever fears or suspicions 
may have been floating up
between the two of us
are neither here nor there
because there are 
as it were
bigger fish to fry...

gentle tuesdsay bs


                                       I just want
                       *
                    *
               ***
                          *** *** *** **** *** *****
took an evening walk around the block
breathed dramatically and didn’t blink
for the birds, for the rent signs
I want a cookie, a date, a big full cup
she’s putting on makeup in the bathroom
while my tights snag on the table
I’m touching on suicidal/becoming
a 16 year old boy rolling joints
jreeming of the pool and the lean 
where’s my fucking hoodie
I just want to be what I like--
a bad boy, a moment 
with the bamboo high 
with the raindrops, what even 
night is it like I’m what, young?
the night is wet and
it's hold has devolved


               




Tuesday, March 10, 2020

passiflora incarnata

sometimes I can carry it all
like a glass of wine
an intricate flower
the pair dice on my desk
translucent plastic with another
set of tiny dice inside
solid/fractal/see-thru
I can hold it
my life
and imagine a new toss

shatter
              scatter
glass
           petals

pair of dice     
paradise

drunk poet


a type of toy car waffling
b/w depressing solidity and
honestly— Dissolving Boundaries
I miss her!
magical in my bedroom
when the clutter is 
robust/defined 
when shit takes on
guilt until    riddled
where to put the voice
when I'm drinking 
if it were a game
if I were a spy 
I'd be in AA looking 
straight down my own cam
we're of out of body in
street clothes on the bed

Inside
she says publish these
throws the loose leafs at me
dedicated to her parents and
written from their perspectives
I'm done, Outside 
by Shower Time
which sways, the glimpse
of the boys 
he saw my shoes
don't touch my face
driving towards luna
fully chewing 
on quarantine


Sunday, March 8, 2020

screwed



night        time 
               nausea     carries               in the stroller
the looseness of the      cup                                    the light rain
we cared                          with breaks




                           the damp medians
of old summers                                  



cut 
bamboo 
my room                         brighter
                                                 daylight 
                                                              on the floor
his stems
and his music 


Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Chill 1


everyone leaving/a melting
popsicle, it's just nice
to touch you/to say it
two candles going
away with this wave
the smoke alarm
the oil, the eggs
her orange hair
our curtains open
to the unexpected rain
my day was something like
ruined/flooded
my jaw on the wet floor
when everyone I know
is losing it-- a sort of
currency, the ball we throw around
the wishbone in my soup

getting off to something feasible
and I'm on the curved road in Shasta
or turning left at the triangle near the school
that old summer feeling of walking
through the screen door
of being ignored

he said, is glimmering just shimmering
and glittering?
the salmon quartz we found
coloring at the dining room table
with the shavings and the candles
he said he was looking for candles
and then showed us a wild example
swallowing the sweet idea with a chill






Super Tuesday

Please explain to me what
kind of person is so excited
about a Joe Biden presidency
that they feel the need to attend
a Joe Biden campaign rally?
Do they also throw parties when
they have to renew their license
at the DMV?

Monday, March 2, 2020

Us

why be me in Oaxaca
and not you over there?
I am us
us us us
I don’t sleep well
the waves crash in our room
ready to swallow
administrative dreams
up with the sun on the BERN app

Sunday, March 1, 2020

Augustinillio

fools’ feast of fact or fiction
the beach town where dogs smile
trusted and free
we walk and walk
they do too
with their own social lives
and business about the town

Frederici’s points about
Cartesian mind/body split
soul as the supreme ruler
disciplining the naughty corporeal form
as I lounge with the book
he calls me a sand-witch

the umbrella on the balcony
worn translucent and shiny
like a deteriorating butterfly wing
grandmas sitting in the garden
with eyes glazed over

limits and hidden agendas
of “rational thought”
limits of science
however elegant
we need superstition because
there is no real reason we exist

a night beach is a good way to feel
really being in outer space
moon reflecting off the place licked smooth
by waves ready to swallow

in 2018 on the Oregon coast
I was convinced the big one could hit
and there was only one route out
through a tunnel in the rocky mountainside
just looking up at it gives you vertigo

there was bioluminescence in the sand
when you drag your toe a trail of green fairy dust
Kate showed us how to pry mussels off the rocks
the way her grandpa taught her

we started a fire on the beach and roasted them
sandy orange salty
up all night with the rocks covered in aliens
a good way to die

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Agency

I’ve been getting stuck in the space between
filling in the blanks

what Celia said about global warming
being the perfect result of, and companion to,
late capitalism
because if there is no off season
business is always on

spots where the sidewalk is stained purple
from jacaranda flowers fallen and crushed
feel them under your sneakers

to be here on the beach
with the local women begging me to buy a necklace
and the white dreads yogis “searching”
and the French Canadians yelling TOSTADA

Thursday, February 27, 2020

A Little Something

mood like the clouds passing
skittish 
heavy like the groceries
light like the song in my ear
worried about paralysis vs.
ability to execute 
want to daydream 
with words and music forever
but the course catalogue
volunteer application 
election Chemistry
Anatomy wind chimes 
seven inch virus 
Mom family art show
tour Dad family 
travel work schedule 
my hero in wonderful clothes
passing me by
clouds moving
I’d like to

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

deep breaths etc 1


doing everything fast except
what I'm being fast for
wasting mania on texting
falling, opening

a whole night's sleep as one piece of the puzzle
one place I've been
one cocoon in chrysalis


spiritual blazer

flirting with alcoholism
like a grown up
spinning my wheels

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

late to jail


woke up every hour still having not made it to jail
my probation was familiar 
like blank paper and color pencils 
looking for a ride there

yeah i was thinking of a metal rail 
screwed in tight with the anchors & everything
we were just awake i guess and 
i saw this rail as the other thing
the other thing that I thought was lost but
its the cake and eating a pocket
cut from my pants

Monday, February 24, 2020


Saturday, February 22, 2020


the time he said
you should always have a secret plan
and
just play dead 
they can’t kill you if you’re already dead
disappearing in his bedroom

















Mom is loose in the desert
with the rabbits coyotes and roadrunners
vision of her driving till she runs out of gas
astral projecting beyond the landscape













General Issue

little mouths floating
saying some shit
more us than me
see it from all sides

let me be your chauffeur 
or a singing nurse
I wanna be dependable
in this small town

counting my friends/blessings
let me be real/sentimental

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

loving vs. needing

a classic q
let it be unconditional
let it be free

find out

waiting by the train station
in the dark car like a private eye
two tall buildings in my view
on one building’s LED screen the time ticks by
- - - - -7:57 pm - - - - - - - - - 7:58 pm - - - -
the other building spells out L O V E
then shows flashing concentric hearts
I feel the way months flatten
not that serious at all

I keep thinking about the
corny prescription from JJ
love is a revolution
an initiation
the only thing worth decorating
yourself and the world with
love needs action
it starves on words alone

Auntie calls flustered about Mom
but expresses zero opinion
I’m missing information
gaps in my ability to understand
loyalty, denial, protection
codependence
or is it just love?
is it just family?
I’m so far away
the outsider

Mom says
Do NOT call my family 
acting like a teenager
going home to her mom
locking herself in the bathroom
yelling till she is horse

Auntie says
You’re welcome!!Spoke with my 
mom this morning and she was calm 
and collected.  She baked a cake and 
was wondering through the garden. 
Mom said she was really angry and 
upset last night. Mom just listen 
and let her vent.

My mom? Your mom?
My family? Your family?
Mom Mom Mom Mom
baking a cake
wondering through the garden

my big rose


Tuesday, February 18, 2020

comprenez-moi

oolong tea plus coconut milk from a can and wildflower honey
sitting at the table in the window
sunbathing

Dornröschen

sleeping drinking dying
dis-articulating the cranium
the only rule is
do it
finally awake
after 400 years
be disciplined even about
indulging your vices
cos tomorrow is yesterday

Monday, February 17, 2020

weekend like


the fam in town for chunks
of stress the yellow lines
dividing the road all day
the lack of words like a
lemon wedge
the conflict
taped shut
the conflict
cracked open
the conflict when I cry

the smog like cereal milk and
mom wants to move here
through the tinted window
she waves with both hands

Sunday, February 16, 2020

also

Mom says she is pregnant
my eyes roll up into infinity
it’s always a son

K.A.D.E.

a decade of the truest friend
I remember when we were 16
sleepwalking

the day we sat on the bridge over the river
we agreed that drawing was being
and you didn’t need a thesis


Saturday, February 15, 2020

generation

forever 21 esque edm in the lyft
feels like eating a graham cracker

Headlines

FT reports on Biden’s Wall St donors
having a “sinking feeling”

my dog’s yellow eyes

I debate catching the bus up to money town
to be with Celery Crunch J Boots Lala
but it’s always the coldest day of the year there

Stanley Cntd.

the windows opposing ours light up at 3am
voices echo in the alley

oh you’re trying to keep your property clean?
you can keep it
you can keep it, I’m going home
I pay rent around the corner 
I’m going home
you can KEEP your property
and have a nice day
you can keep your property clean
have a nice day
as for me I sweep up
you can keep it

Stanley’s voice sounds different at night
deeper, a little screwed up

Friday, February 14, 2020

book town apple coffee




feeling seen and seeing
also seeing through  
and in between, etc
so no facade 
means all facade
uncanny

am I talking about windows
not sure

and then the mysterious way
clouds hang out in the park
stuck in the trees
shocks me
knowing 100% fantasy
is reality  

warm light from tall windows 
some professor’s home study
every square foot of the walls lined with books

god I love 
to be at my desk 

then more people silhouetted in more windows
I think about the Brian De Palma movies I've seen 














some people keep
their egos in their shirt pockets
always just at hand
easy as an apple












the boss sticks his foot
in the tiny trashcan to compact it 
I say
I don’t think you can fit in there 





Thursday, February 13, 2020

Diamond Princess









all the little quarantined cruise ships
circling the globe







jingle jangle
disco blasting
thinking about
driving off the pier

















the movement is beautiful
fuck everyone in our way













Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Letter OG Devil Letter Angel Remix

yikes

full body theme


love in opposing corners
a traffic circle
Nora's fancy earring
pacing around/you’re loving me
eating off the wooden spoon because
I'm grown and the huge
moon tonight

my phone lighting up inside 
the glove compartment while
I'm Inside writing from paint chips
Curiosity, Untamed, Liquid Gold
B actually smelling them for her poem 
like a McDonald's bathroom she says
they all sound like nothing though
my back falling down

out of love?
in the nook w/ the music
to fall in love and stay in it
love/bread medievally basic
fundamentally speaking the crack 
there has me loose seeking a unique 
not-ok, for the in between, she wrote
to all of us and probably the person behind me

Sunday, February 9, 2020

rearrangement



I was holding a piece of paper to my ear
with your name on it
talking into it
wondering how I was going to
delete the evidence of the call

pacing the sidewalk
you're saying all this stuff!
a sun shower
a heist, an earthquake
the shiny people becoming otherwise
saw your smile in a room
my paper was gone &
it wasn't even you

Saturday, February 8, 2020

More Than A Woman

sunset the same colors as
The Ultimate Bee Gees album art

rest then

(1/5) Writing this early. I'm up to
see dawn in Santa Fe. I tried as b

(2/5) est I could. I'm extra tired
now. Not finding understanding,
exc

(4/5) Don't panic, Livia. (i named you).
I'm okay.
Just sad & tir

(3/5) ept in strangers. It's tough
out here.
My phone's losing charge.

(5/5) ed đŸ˜»

northeast

the moon on the roof
falling right into my eye
a diamond that’s piercing

fake sunflowers icy wind
the city is a picnic
its wide open boulevards

Friday, February 7, 2020

Dust Bunny

a bald techno dome
Disney owns the whole shitload now
generic 80s actors
close encounters to the third power

left hand


the whole pretty hand thing

unafraid to put glitter
in the tub tonight
too...bad
to consider why not
bad like you got it
considering appendicitis

woke up laughing though

from all the falling
the debris of an open mouth
silence/ weak with duration


Thursday, February 6, 2020

premonition


a snake slipping out of its skin
I wonder if it feels bad or good

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

David

to be a figment
when I was 15 in his bedroom
disappearing

settings

scavenger hunt
where the prize is
pockets of garbage
plastic cups paper
napkins up stairs down
crates dust
gallons where’s
the switch
eyes stuck on
faucet setting
sky on overcast
body on shiver
sun on set setting
brain on nowhere 
heart on cracked

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

boring

I dream a man cracked his skull in pieces
and had to gather his thoughts in the park

some kind of fucked up spell
by an aspiring cult leader

wake up to the “trouble in Iowa”
the dodo, the mouse, the eaglet, etc.

everyone gets a prize, gives a speech
the vote counting app made by “Shadow Inc.”

Saturday, February 1, 2020

time

Stanley's trail of ripped paper
pasted to the sidewalk by the rain

when the teacher asks us how we feel
on a very physical plane
I don’t

laying down
allow the slight curve in your low back
so a tiny trail of ants could crawl under you

this doing nothing
is who we really are

Friday, January 31, 2020

the show

way up on Kensington Ave
driving southwest right into the sun
a man walking his bike up the sidewalk
stops, leans on it
nodding out
pull over to check on him
he speaks like a sleepy puppy
soft
I'm ok, I appreciate it
drive safe now 
he's right
it's wild up here
people shaking on every corner
making wonky maneuvers
toon town
the painted signs are too beautiful
I buy some wine for Samantha & Sam up on Fox Ave
look at a rhinestone belt in "Got the Look"
on the way home
60 mph on Lincoln Drive
drive past my block
looking for a river view
nothing but run down
cul-de-sacs in the way
back and forth over
Grey's Ferry bridge
to catch the glimmer

Thursday, January 30, 2020

footnote

a wakeboarding competition was held 
on the Schuylkill after a rainstorm
he thought it was funny because
it was sponsored by Yoo-hoo
and the river was brown
like chocolate milk

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

name game

we can name the shapes
bat their sounds around

while in the chrysalis a caterpillar
becomes almost entirely liquid
before reconstituting into a butterfly

how does nothing know
to keep being something?

also butterflies remember things
that happened to them from before
they morph, despite their tiny brains
disappearing almost completely

does it matter what you call God?
is it all just carbon playing games?

language also knows
to keep being something
slipping like the Schulykill

is a name a fate?

so many lbs


sitting for a day
breaking for menial tasks
I contemplate the word you
I can't eat but I do
you, could be a knife
a handbasket
a carrier bag 
fiction, the first tool
was more like a net
than a weapon
and I know it
by the weight
of my heart



and today 3


at least my art is in some Venn diagram 
sitting by the window/stewing 
the day is a phone and I'm full
of soggy blank envelopes
I was not hoping for
Wednesday

^ emerging as extraneous display stuff
at least--


Tuesday, January 28, 2020

fun pattern

finally call Mom
to see how it’s all
suspended shapes
still here, together
caught in a web
I don’t get to choose
the same but different
this time around
softer and older
this time
she knows I know
she’s actually past “that cliff”
even though she says she’s
“pulled herself off it”
I’m a little hoarse but listen
baby, listen
I’m ok
my stomach hurts
and it’s fine
I hold the shapes at arms length
they jangle
like a wind chime

and today 2


I’m cooling down
time be like that
getting older too
I know it while
washing my face 
for once
life is a turn off
or life is a blip
in eternity 
so I squash shame
like a grape under my tailbone 

Monday, January 27, 2020

and today


it's like half of my face wants to cry
and the other half is thinking about why
and the back of my head how
and that was earlier before
knowing what I knew

baby food experience in the car
all the ounces dripping at the
red light trying to write --

how it would feel to be free
its when i hear the bird songs
before putting in the headphones
i'm 5 again/it was all birds

how it would feel to be free
singing/making a painting
of singing the prettiest thing



Sunday, January 26, 2020

he/art


woke up feeling creepy
my curtains at half staff
when the helicopter crashed
found out he's been with that
girl from work all week and
I'm sick w/ feelings up to my
throat like a jello nothing
I'm so hurt its uninteresting
all week knowing like low tide
the air is so polluted its gray

optical-illusion-y

I've been asking everyone
for about a decade now
if they can think of an adjective
that means "having the effects
of an optical illusion" that isn't
just "trippy" or "illusory" because
those both mean something else
"vibratory" doesn't work either
there should be a word, one word
so you don't have to say
the whole drawn out sentence
"it is like an optical illusion" or
"it is producing an optical effect"
it probably exists in a another
language

Saturday, January 25, 2020

ijdk

received 2lbs of
my own beeswax
in the mail
list not checking itself off
fast enough
the sun breaks through the clouds
just as the beat comes in
then it sets and I don't get to choose
how I feel
longing to be
wherever the party is
in my heart
in my head

Thank You, Mary


a while ago



adding the mouth guard to my head 
was another thing too many despite 
grinding my teeth to the experience 
of a cold mushroom 
start contemplating the meaning 
of mental breakdown in the process 
i see metal parts and say now
you are breathing in and now
you are breathing out 

Friday, January 24, 2020

the doomsday clock is at 100 seconds to midnight

here still
full of nothing to
say one thing one day
and something else
another I’m
a mess
connect and
diss

Thursday, January 23, 2020

new dream or hell induced wonder


the wedding of my own
(I call him) husband
to another
one of those big ones
in small town Connecticut
I knew the bride to be vaguely
I knew why we were in
Connecticut but did she?

some of us were given small notes
with scribbled speech prompts
why do you think me and ****
should keep sleeping together?
damn
that's mine?
what I came up with was
I can't talk, or I'll cry 

there was a breakdown/intermission
with strippers that was participatory
and revealed who was comfortable
with sex etc

I stepped outside,
into the dregs of a monsoon

I walked to a flower shop on the dock,
a man and his son

I walked into a hotel,
faceless people in the corner,
the way I curved around them

I walked too far down some carpeted stairs
and saw complete darkness

I turned back towards the wedding with
a waxing right to my pain
its shape revealed I thought
there's a lego vibe to the end of all this
I could have put some pieces together



**** **
to squeeze myself into the regular beginning of
what I thought was a dark morning but
the sun just hasn't found my window
yet




Wednesday, January 22, 2020

3pm

harp is the instrument most like sunlight
also Bobby Valentino “Slow Down”

we talk about death while training the new girl
I say I'm "trying to think about it more"

rushing to be alone



generous with time cuz 
it’s not mine anyway when 
I imagine a friend telling another 
I'm dead in some hour I planned for
/hoarded in advance 

yes you can sleep in my bed all day
text me
do yoga in your leather belt
next to me

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Remember

the medieval building on the waterfront
tall and looming
every square inch of its exterior
covered in seaweed
blowing in the wind shiny
I see from a bird’s eye view
people playing with nets
in the shallow water surrounding
sun ripples up to their calves

 ~

when they asked how long
I’ve been in this city
I realized I haven’t

~

I learned that those ubiquitous spiky balls
on the sidewalk are from Sweet Gum trees
so you can call them gum balls

tiny medieval weapons
“morning star”
is what that weapon is called

stress relieving and magical



a vein parallel to my bone
or what is that
center of the wrist

a bath in a big enough tub
one twinkling song
and I’m home

I sense some strands
have been stretched
tired, also death

living next to the train
for one night and
sleeping in the same room
as the baby 

it’s what I thought life would be
before I was born

tattoo?



My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma
My grandma my grandma
Mima! My grandma 
My grandma

Monday, January 20, 2020

Say it Straight (Livy I'm Here)



sad the first night
you could have done something

gone to the desert
the national park

problem is 
this feels like
the wrong search result
like a hard sheet of some
super obvious
shattering substance 



we just walked along the main road
winding, loud, with burs
the dogs paws bothered

we sang an entire musical
to be in song, walking, like
eating two right foods 
for good digestion
to eat for a fun time

not sure how to act hot
like the others in their 
pictures so 
I play easy
to be around



another

unexpected day off
to freak out
about everything
and do nothing

stanley




Friday, January 17, 2020

the same

curling a ribbon
deveining a shrimp

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

angel-abra

dappled

I watch as the woman
lifts her apple watch 
to the infant's face







nobody told the flowers to come up

you have to sprint towards your goals 
or inertia will crush you like a stone
it's all around us 
at the end of an 8.5 hour shift
you just have to pick yourself up
and keep throwing yourself at that wall
(pick a wall, any wall)
until it cracks
cos 9 times out of 10
you will bounce right off 
there's no silver bullet
for this thing
(living)
not in a poem 
not in a horoscope
I set a timer 







nightlight

the person who stands outside the store 
asks me to buy her white vinegar
when I hand it to her she screws off the top
and starts drinking it like water







imagine

I'm here for you like 
the nightlight in the bathroom
when you stumble in

Sunday, January 12, 2020

intellectual birthday candle

when you try to make something that you pictured
and it turns out the materials on hand don't work at all
and you're right back where you started with a fantasy
less time and some wasteful scraps a sticky mess when
you try to make something and you realize you will
probably run out of materials and you're going to have
to spend money again when you try to make something
and are confronted by technical challenges harsh reality
impinges on the fantasy object when you try

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Thursday, January 9, 2020

Consider Discipline (Again)

in the dumb cafe
I unwittingly
braid the potted fern
behind me
into my hair



I think capturing
slivers of her
shiny painted nails
in the scanner bed
when assembling
our reading packets
is part of our teacher's
artistic practice



the White House wants
to let many pipelines
and other major projects
go ahead without review



I wonder what's a choice
and what's a habit
anymore
I wonder what we all are
without each other

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

remember

50 people die in stampede
at funeral procession of Soleimani
missiles fired at US base in Iraq
Iranian Americans detained for 11 hours
at US Canadian border
Australia in flames

Monday, January 6, 2020

dirt equation

family trees
should be upside down
given the old ones
are up there
or out there
or
so
we are the
roots more
down low and
I like the idea of
put in one nurse
 + one grandpa
get out one
mom
put in mom
+ dad
get out two
nurses

walk sign is on to cross

following him on his trash route
x
x
long pause at the corner of Landsdowne 
and Baltimore 
diagonal sun
crosswalk chirping
wait
wait
there is quite a lot of litter
by the bus stop
I try to follow 
not too close
but I couldn’t be more conspicuous
funky skirt bold scarf
jangly accessories
dawdling as only 
a hipster can
what is a poem more than
hot pink plastic ribbon 
looped through a fence
waving
a mennonite construction worker
with a bowl cut stares
    $ A STAR $
     BAZAAR
      SO MANY 
    VENDORS
       UNDER 
        ONE
        ROOF
but the lights off
it's all closed on this Monday
Landshutdowne Ave
I lean on the parking meter
cars run over my tall
3 o'clock shadow
someone says shadow 
on a speakerphone call
I catch it through 
the open window 
of their car passing
    Jesus = the Light of
   the World Reflect 
          that Light! 
  Have a Blessed 2020
written in chalk by hand
the last half of the route 
is going east on Baltimore
towards the skyline like 
the Emerald City again
church bells for 3:30 pm
moon white 
on the center
of the blue sky
like a fruit sticker
layer upon layer 
of chipped&faded 
lavender paint on 
a metal pole
trophies in the 
window of a martial 
arts studio
I don't need much
all I ask is just
park me in the sun

Saturday, January 4, 2020

after jung tzu

the mirror in my bedroom
is an elegant forest
when I sit at my desk 
peripheral vision
shapeshifter
on a frozen pond
trick butterfly
smokey glass eye
my bedroom mirror
is a free agent
ice fishing for a dull face
to stare into
a heavy sleeper
to fuck with

Friday, January 3, 2020

the elegant brain

nuzzle a beer to my cheek
wipe the toilet seat
Chaplin vs Keaton
avuncular vs patuncular
why not avauntular?
looking for a shiny surface
to make eye contact with
I'm always texting Mega Bed
but the friend of the friend
is apparently always secretly
recording audio with his phone

wet lights

babysit the
wet lights
on the rain walk
instead of all
the smart boys
who don’t even
need me

babysit the ice rink
babysit pearls
on the edge
of a feeling like
a lake

we’re all just skulls
waiting to happen
feel your eye sockets
see what I mean
do whatever
you want

Fat Stream / To Do

my list
is always long
so in the purgatory
of a sick day
do I do all or
do nothing?

it goes
on
and on
choose ice skating
or nursing school
tired of needing
rest

listen to Key
by Meredith Monk
start to finish
like the answer is
in there somewhere
half medicine
half torture

my list is long
#1
more money
do you have to
wrestle back
into yourself
all the time?

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

moving



a waste of plastic
to bag up what
I'm over so
I rake it all
against the fence

this morning with
limon lays
the mountains
rat shit and the
truck

the hot roofer
his neck tattoos

I bet you have
the nicest roof
in south central

I wrote out my dream
in big thick marker:

walking briskly to
a more perfect food
& scared someone
along the way

goals, perfection
amidst transition?

unapologize and
publish!




a little bit of everything everyday

   boy paws&
dog paws
at 3 am but I'ms
leEp
  ing
visit
  from
a college
figure who
I can only
remember
by Instagram
 name now
    he gave me
a Super 8
camera
encouraging
my "work"
 I was
touched

Monday, December 30, 2019

chapter called Church



people say they might Jewish this week
perhaps in solidarity with the stabbed—
negotiating this, the Hanukah 
party, the floorplan of the rabbi’s house

can I start off bouncy though
really easy on the surface
so it’s just like look over here
a fun keychain, a floor routine
ribbons glitter scarves chalk

I am moved by a caption
she's like 
I'm adding to the pile 
but wishing the kids could just 
be free
basically saying a moving
train but even that is
going somewhere

I won’t forget the train
from Paris to Berlin
I won’t forget how it
rehydrated Hebrew School
dropped fear back off
in my cave 

at the house I’m out 
of hammer and nails so
I sit still, I eat kind of
dying 
not to read but to know 
better the bible I get
mass selfies from my top
2 literally from mother 
and Mary

I turn it on and I can’t think 
I turn it off and I’m scared
to be alone without the music
that fills me with inspo but also
stops me like a drawn bath

they sing this song 
fill my cup, lord!
and then
the choir does the wine
pouring motion or
blood pouring

I can imagine you 
shutting my dusty zine
as if a heavy book with
fear on the church chapter

but grow up 
god is back
and pile theory
are some other
title options 


*