Monday, December 25, 2017

Veux











A sudden sense memory of how he chewed gum 
and I would steal it from him when we kissed
What else have I blotted out of my mind









Sometimes I wish we had a second language to speak in
The simplified approximation of that  
Emboldened to say what you might not in your native language
Since trying it on is like a game















Another kind of trying on
Things unexpextedly practical 
Fitting a need not a fantasy 
Am I one




















Sunday, December 17, 2017

how to be a boss

grandma sends me toys for Christmas
despite my age she can’t help herself
Walt Disney handwriting scrawled crazedly
on a reused gift bag
a rainbow twirler
oil slick tape ribbon topping a delicate blue plastic stick
it turns into a flower a bubble a Glenda wand
all the to do’s are useless
I want to spend my weekend twirling




december sun


charge my phone with the jump rope
coils at the bottom of everything

to do lists basically engraved into
my bedside
and the paper sleeps
at the bottom of everything
pen, and pencil tickets

and anyway I try to keep it
all in my memory
to be free

to move about like someone
with one pair of yard shoes
and one pair of slippers
snug and pointing forward






Monday, December 11, 2017

give the fear some space


what would happen if the earth quaked 
at the same time as the wildfires?
I can't imagine the look of it
can't sleep because of it

for one moment the bed vibrates
and I find myself in the center
of our room's incomplete darkness
looking like a gecko I imagine
posing like a cobra in socks 
hands flat and sinking, eyes
can't

turning over into a different kind
of sleep, a different version
that's brighter
like if it were a job
I'd be paid differently

and this time I have memory
of the thin layer, the veil
I can see all of its colors
mind routes physicalized 
why do I spend so much 
time here
being awake is just
not being there
but rather upright
in yellow and orange clothes

I dream about a
girl's pregnancy 
of course
it was no big thing
like another weekend event
light and boring even
but I don't remember 
a bottom half on any
of our body's

all these frags® repeat and
make circles somehow
the chorus of the veil
the bright, dirty screen song
the chorus of limbs missing
organs melting, bottom halves
roller skating off 

the trance of fear
stuffs me like a dolly 

the woman with the celestial name
tells me to sit next to it
next to the fear, on a park bench
hear the birds, feel the sun
feel the whole world around





year in frags


January
again the same day
I went for walks
I played guitar
I saw koi fish frozen in a pond
a tshirt hanging on a branch
I pick at my face


Are we on the same page?
I'm so remote
I don't feel like talking to anyone
Not even myself






February 
mudslides and earthquakes
I was wearing pointy kitten heels with gold details
they clicked and sank into the mud












March
the graphic on the cardboard fruit box
the bird chasing the cat
chasing the dog chasing the rabbit
a blue and white box















April
tree sap in the air
smiling dogs and dust glittering in the sun
God is a dog dancing
the houses come from the quarry
my slippers come from China
frozen blackberries come from the store
snowdrops come from the ground
I feel my skin come back to life like a bouquet withering in reverse
we drive to Rolling Hill to see the firehouse dalmatian
we roll the windows all the way down
I see my spots in the side mirror
and get bitter silently
silver white winters that melt into spring
elegant trappings for this sapling
I drink that resin burning smell













May
pale green food and friends I don't have
I like keeping a tidy home
scouring in the right order
I like knowing where everything is
I like being over prepared










August
The little frown I make when looking down at my body in a bathing suit
do all women know how that feels
a bit of anguish that it looks the same

the Lolita at the lunch spot
with bikini top and cut off shorts
soft brown skin and pillow curves dappled by sun through a tree
hair french braided and wispy
light blue eyes
sitting at a red picnic table looking so bored
into her phone and yet so perfect
I see him throwing quick looks at her
and get jealous

the abundance of beautiful women in the world
that men get to look at
vs. how often I compare him to other men
which is frankly never

a dragonfly lands at my table
green and robotic gem creature

A furry black and white caterpillar
rests on a thought
of I need to do better

should
need






Monday, December 4, 2017

an opening present


on thursday there's cake everywhere i go 
today i'm so tired that i'm "i"
the way i have been
eating and sleeping is
lower 
       
             x__x


on Thursday it's "Melanie's" birthday 
at the baby doctor
the Santa Monica office is bright 
and clean feeling, the window cut from the wall 
you could put a hand through
sets the stage 
of Front Desk
and I am the only one waiting

all the office ladies gather in the glassless
window holding the flourless 
chocolate cake

they begin to sing to Melanie
when she emerges from a doorway
the sun's pouring in
one woman offers me a slice because
I'm watching
they photograph Melanie
in front of the color-coordinated files
beautiful, rare shades of manilla folder

Melanie says her ears 
are sticking out from her glasses
and wants a re-do
she brings her flourless prop
to a more sun-filled corner
of the stage-
"I'm 59, I wanna look good"

she drops the cake on the floor
and the sound it makes confuses me
I did actually want a slice
but there seemed to be so many
ladies to feed

all of them are beside themselves 
can't answer the ringing phones
I'm giggling along but feeling
boyish in comparison 
finally one of them invites me
to look at the halo 
of powdered sugar on the floor

--

on Thursday at the Underground 
it's also Justin's birthday

in the back room there are four beautiful 
tiny cakes, arranged symetrically 
with causal bites missing
like someone slowly walked by
with a spoon

the birthday boy shakes my hand 
with both of his
I remind him that we've met
"but never in the daytime"
I learn he's only 23

--

on Thursday I also go to Roxie's 
birthday party at HMS Bounty 
which is a bar with red booths
it's better than I remember it being
maybe because I feel better now
I remember feeling lower then
we have french fries and 4 dollar
cocktails which is 
unbelievable 

the birthday girl and i talk about
instagram as i get tired and
drunk and i think it makes us want
to stick together because 
we agree it's not casual

--

thinking of romance
minus everything that
diminishes it

I walk by a stained glass window
that's a cake
outlined with the
sticky black

--

the woman's voice 
on NPR talking about
A Christmas Carol
with lots of edible
adjectives
her s's hissing
her blue eyes
welling I'm sure

--

speaking of ROMANCE
I feel the veil between dream and
awake as thinner than before
with colors and patterns and
options for mind routes

--

I had the premonition for 
Marisa Takal's fame 
when her name in vinyl was stuck
on the window in Baltimore
it was freezing and the street lamp
cast a shadow of her name on
the white wall of the small gallery 

I contemplate good options
for her opening present


it's tuesday all day today

a clock a wheel a sun a day 
try every color every day of the week 
workdays are race car wheels 
rolling into wildflowers & ufos 
through all four seasons 
obsessively mapping personal figments 
figures forests 4 wheelers 
rolling someplace that isn’t here 
everyone is working 
to make Tuesday a treat 

Monday, November 27, 2017

Circus Around Us


if a pastel drawing could be tall 
it'd be Santa Cruz- tall like thick
on the paper but soft and just
tall enough to fit me and
Livy- the body temp 
bliss envelopes
the circus around us
stays, we cruise 

through the landscape 
I think the west coast
looks imagined

and she says it's the garden
of earthly delights 

lol, clothes, bacon, 
tea and silver

these sharp jokes
for us alone
spill a 
feeling
that ends
at our fingers

drag in the sand
darken our eyebrows

it's a playground

I buy the things
that the people here
wear so that maybe
I'll have to stay?

remember the long days
of being babies
and those poems- 
when I pass the flat 
and easy street corners
spider webs on wet, pink paper

now down the long
california road
I wish to make this
as dense as that tall
drawing, as sweet
and marzipan as
that much pastel

it's almost midnight
and I need to touch on 
the ceramic purse-
speech bubbling on the beach
there's no perfect bag
so risky and chic 
and I see a free box 
with nothing in it
we laugh about
bringing one on the plane

so far I've just touched it

and our fingers are full

we fall on the sand

our ovaries burn

you touch all your socks

in the bird feather sand

plain, painted, people who
watch us hold hands
in circles around us the
circus


Sunday, November 26, 2017

In The Land Where Black-Eyed-Susans Bloom Through the Winter say it backwards I love all of my sisters by blood and by choice Pepitas Stockings cuteofus My Enduring Memories


not heavy enough

I imagine buffing the East Coast sky with a sander
to make it bigger and softer
it’s so sharp and small compared to the West Coast
in current assessment 
the Tri-State Area is my black yin dot 
to my white yang California teardrop

every other storefront on Mission Street is under construction 
no more Thrift Town no more dollar store no more Goodwill 
peeling painted signs on unlit windows 
defeated shells encasing dusty construction tableaux

still a dirt-caked man sparking an already blackened crack pipe 
half beneath a soiled floral comforter on the threshold of the A.A.
still an ice blue pinpoint eyes woman staring from her throne 
swaddled in too many layers of clothing like a queen
I get on the subway, it rolls east out of sad and pretty painted SF
which is close but not quite my home 

in the moment between the train coming up from underwater 
and into West Oakland station
I see the line of yellow poplar trees, unreal, the Emerald City painted on the backdrop
that marks the apartment on Henry Street where my sister my mom and I lived 
just a flash of the red-brown roof, a flash of dappled sun glinting on green grass 
in the park at the end of our street, the end of the bottom of the Lower Bottoms
this view is the closest I ever get to that figment
I can’t confirm if it’s real

Mom gave me the corner bedroom in the trees after Lucia moved out 
it’s dark wood wainscoting hemmed me in
solitary princess in a twin bed
yellow shimmer-disk leaves in the windows 
towards the end of us living there we were more and more like dolls in a dollhouse
the clean particularity of our possessions
sparseness indicating the death of something
the Three Women dynamic that bound us
we would never exist in that configuration again
Mom and I were increasingly quiet and spacious with one another

cheap comforting smell of Suave shampoo
all of our household essentials came from the big dollar store on 7th street
I took lots of baths in the tiny tub
skipped school often just to draw and make cup after cup of jasmine tea
clear enamel Victorian hand mirror 
iron bust of a clown with a lever arm to slide coins into his mouth
painted Buddha and smiling flamenco doll
the objects that fleshed out our home were suddenly too flimsy
not heavy enough to add up to a permanence

I played guitar in the early morning before school
she listened through the door blocked by a desk that connected the two bedrooms
when I left it would be impossibly quiet
she must have felt the need to put the last of that era out of its misery
to whip up a whirling shit storm 
rather than see me off 




forever retracing the paw prints pinpointing the x marks the historic 
spots on the map of mega chapters  

when God shook out the landscape like a blanket 
She let it fall the first time so wrinkled 
as to make mountains, lakes, oceans, etc.

then She threw us down in the sand
where we like to flop 

I would wear that white dress
if I was Ferrante’s Lila or Lenu and getting married 

of course we are though
each other’s Blue Fairy

tan bums watch us walk
demand a personalized smile in their direction 
Haha fuck you

rag dolls on the beach in all of our clothes 




Not As In Final
One of those boxes is her resting place not as in R.I.P. but like she naps there









Monday, November 20, 2017

Thank YOU

thanks for the gum

women's restroom at the airport 
WOMEN in huge silver capital letters fixed to the marbled wall
like a monument to women
think about WOMEN












Forgetting / Remembering

cold gym scent as I pull the plastic cartoon door handle
I already feel it as an ill-fitting memory
past tense, that winter spent with purple and yellow machinery
in a strip mall
it bothers me for the length of the staircase
that scent being etched forever in place of something more romantic
up the three rises hugging a corner of floor to ceiling windows
black reflective winter darkness
Then I acclimate, I forget to be so careful
I like the gym
trying to feel like the most beautiful ant
I get scared in the winter
I want to be intentional about what I etch
what I chisel out
There is a consignment store and a beer depot in the same strip mall as the gym
a store selling exclusively swimwear year-round
a massage chain, a nail salon
Playboi Carti on the car radio
in New York I milly rock what hide it in my sock oo 
why do I love CVS?
It has become my crystalline fixation
in this nebulous whirl of a year, nebulous whirl of issues
that capitalism and "masculinity" are scourges on this earth
I want so badly to chisel out something better










Raymundo

mom called us into her bedroom
I was 6 or 7 or 8 
she was laying up in bed on fluffy pillows 
is she sick? is this good or bad I thought
why does she sound so strange
she said she was pregnant, they wanted to name him Ray
we were to celebrate but it felt wrong
the 1950s bed frame painted with powdery roses
her short dyed burgundy hair, sterling Mexican skull earrings, the pillows
she soon after either had a miscarriage or the whole thing was imagined




Sunday, November 19, 2017

private prop


the day is a phone
even when the days are fun like baby
blocks 3 fun days big blocks in a row

they’re still big and there’s climbing 

I walk the blocks that are long curves
invisible until I am outside
the mysterious happenings 
of our neighbors

trusting the unconscious mind
to connect the dots
is the creepiness in writing 
this desperation
in trusting as I walk
eyes so wide as to
drink all potential
dots

pine cone garden
pink newspaper sleeve

am I exercising am I

private property
oranges that 
look like limes
at first

one birdhouse
in an empty garage
a blonde bombshell
her pending sale
exploding  




on the block with the liquor store
where the guy thought Tyler said
correctors when he was trying
to say characters
like Mickey Mouse?
I make videos
so color correction?
no like Mickey
lol
this stuck so
this block I see
trees that look
like bony cartoon
correctors, naturally

part me of wants
to be in the know
about what it takes 
to rent-a-fence
to have complete
knowledge of the
neighborhood in
simple lego-like terms
but only the first
part when oranges
are still limes
the first part of
sims when it's 
all naming and 
decorating
what is it about
setting up that's so
thrilling?

a slime patty coated in dirt
draped over an electric box
it shocks me





Monday, November 13, 2017

Hills & Blessings

at 11:11
the alarm reminds me to pet and
all week I've felt so serious about it
so certain that Sunday night was perfect
for me and my sister, this weekend
was rolling hills
a monument of them
and everyone has their own
to cry on but
they roll twisted
and tomorrow just
isn't always so
my mom reminds me
so here I am
I've tinkered with pt 2
I've cooked and
I've cried and
I need a tarot
reading tonight
or
sleep will escape me again and
the mysterious shittiness
of my body in limbo
will keep me up with all its
options
for escape routes
so many options each leaking from
a pore and my jaw
is locked
right where my cheek rings
like an ear aware
of the dead moon gone
a face tat nowhere another
ghost to add to the
list that rings and
stirs and shows up
with the exit signs
that I remember from
a past life feels like a
Sunday night
and I used to think
only some people died
and I wish on my alarm
for a seventh heaven phone chord
to be drawn permanently
between us and for the
ringing to just be you

Sunday, November 12, 2017

First Frost Frozen Pink Flowers R.I.P. I Love You Fred Cole

I chase the thought 
lacklusterly walk behind the poemfragment 
I was thinking
I look down for a moment 

flip the pages of my blue memo pad
chores and duties a pragmatic sludge
I look up and the thought is far away
I write the O's in "TO DO" as spirals
spiral of never able to let it rest
the cuteness of discipline

Texts from Mom about her plans for the day
I am uneasy at how similar they are to my own
on Saturdays I water my plants too
my lingering morning cough is hers
three ascending notes chiming mundanely

how she shuffles in her slippers
I can't explain it
resolutely solitary spinster
androgynous shadow shell
looking to me for completion
I don't want to be that

I resent that throughout this year not speaking
our habits have remained so similar
that now we talk competitively about our gardens
crafts and cooking tactics
our need to be solitary
our angst about having to work alone

There still isn't enough room
My brooding hasn't made me a different animal
It just brings me closer to a shade of her

I try to be full of love and patience
I cast straw over the sleeping garlic
pulling the covers over half of my garden bed
throw clover seeds over the other half
I rake them into the dirt

Fred and Toody sing to me
go to my room, lock the door
and plan my escape
run away from myself
I worry that its already too cold for the clover to root
the birdbath is a solid crystal ball full of trapped pink leaves
everything has wilted
thousands of shrugging shoulders

I rake up fig leaves
their deep green smell is comforting
and the slanted sun strong enough
A perfect fig reveals itself beneath the rake
I pick it up and bite into it
pleased to find its center frosted like sorbet

Everything dusty icy pink, pale golden yellow
the middle of the day already tipping into the end
Fred and Toody hovering around
I make the promise to him, another dead friend
that I'll never turn my back on magic
& resourcefulness

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Nothing Every Goes Away (pt 1)


says James
the words feel strong now
I used to have
religion, but nothing
ever goes away
a song to hum,
one you wake up with in your head
a dead friend, any desire
any lie stays

relationships are
delicate truths made
of lies

familiar even with just 
words is the scene: walking 
through the city, the new couple
on the same streets I was
feeling the same way
along the lines of
gold and blue or
whiskey and perfume
she leaned closer to him
and the colors of her shawl flashed

when new york is about to burst
with heat and light and
everyone walking
is part of that

I want to convey the meaning
and weight of energy
without resorting to
anything that exists
already

but in the same way 
that New York'sparticipantss
create its heat, do the passengers
on this plane
create the stale air of stress
the combinations of origins 
the cauldron of energy in
any given container
maybe I should look at
chemistry

where does one energy stop 
and another begin how
does the massive looming west coast 
cloud filled sky goldenpeach ripe...
above the rockies 
where is the wall between that 
and the aliens of us 
how different could the big 
quiet sky be
from the stale stress

I have conquered my fear
of turbulence today
because it wouldn't cease
I won't clutch my chest
or close my eyes,
put down the book
but I say that now
I stare at my veins
and wonder about
their reaction to
this unimaginable
pressure

Again Turnpike

Outside the smudgy windows of the bus
golden rod and pinkish pussy willows 
Marshy beautiful ponds with 
white butterflies dipping around

the lady in my headphones says
Letting the self be just what it is,
letting everything be alright, is love

it smells like toilet
Chinatown bus, I remember
厕所 - ce suo 
which always sounded like cesspool to me
Csssssssss

Be alright with that?
Let that sensation into my meditation (self, love)
which says
Notice everything take it in do not judge it

Can I walk with that
In a dusty warm world
Heart spread out like a fan

Let myself walk
In the margins of the turnpike
Walk alongside the bus

Thursday, April 27, 2017

New Orleans


some people are vessels for multiplicity
while others have edges more bound,
insides more like solid rubber

here where people paint their porch ceilings
blue, a heavy fruit tree
water damage

I can zone out on something imperfect
but sometimes I get the feeling
my brain is turning into one flavor of mush

tears fill my face in a balloon way
and so I breathe instead of cry

a few warm days of winter make a year a bag
collapsed

something was new,
an exception to the rule

account for your baseline because
the rest is random
icing, nothing



Sunday, April 2, 2017

instrumental


when bliss runs its course
and the week’s teeth are bore
gripping to the oval of time like
a greasy carousel pole, up and
down to remember how it felt
to want a horse


Monday, February 13, 2017

can we tho


1.

tinker with the blanket corners in this dim bedroom cuz its dimmer outside 
lets lick little patches of windowsills 
with the sun slanting nice
in the morning a thick blanket for curtains 
me warm 
from whats definitely dimmer-
a facacta brainstorm 

have we lost sight of what binds us?
is it not tasting the dust?
licking the windows, eyes shut with trust?
have we forgotten such things as cookbooks and art?

the cold bricks of angst,
a head heavy with lust


2.

CAN WE PLANT A FUCKING GARDEN????

this morning I'm a hippie even though I'm from new jersey/ trashy maybe snookie/ ha/ but a sucker for the city/ consuming nachos from the box and sex ed from the telly/ fiened for musicals like cats/ ordered extra mozerelly…


3.

my clothes always hurt
and my phone always breaks
quote my own poems like
a quilt for blankets sake
folded up try not to ascribe
the good or the bad so
before you prescribe when
you move things can change
like a neckline, switch cuts!
a happenstance scallop
or a turtle neck front
this is how malleable reality is
like those tress wrapped in their
invisible twine, might as well be 
after my nights dose of wine
I like to come sit on this swing on the hill
where it sounds like farm and
the breeze at its will, rustles the leaves
that are green all year round
the clucking and cooing and tags
on the trunks, cradle my hippie heart 
and account for the stuff of
some sensibility of angst in the woods
plus patches of wind…

?


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Tea House



the freakiest café
you would, freak
but it’s mild
like a dream,
townies, loose
leaf tea called
day dream and
diarrhea

simple foods








West 


as a spy collecting
kisses for my belt
notes on bodies, notes
on my future as a teen
boobs, obviously, a car
an attitude
a tan
not two weeks but eight
DTS*, mad friends

desperate to be Harriet (the spy)
charming in baggy clothes,
nonchalant,
keen on simple foods and cats,
vulnerable wrists in a wheel pose on the bed
and the way the pencil lead
made my mouth water

and so the lackluster versions
of south Jersey, of my
family

            oh,
            kiss! kiss!
            we’d beg our parents

just a little spark?

feeling hopelessly young
in my belt at the picnic table



at dawn, wait for my mom
for her bike along the rocks

until 7 am,
as if suicide might just happen to me






*Down the Shore