Sunday, July 29, 2018

Kesey 2

dust devils in the field across the road
so big and swirling in hay
the sky is overcast with smoke from the fires south of us
this is a really scary thought
but if the big earthquake struck now
at least the resultant tsunami would put out the fires along the coast
maybe that is part of the earth's design 
to keep all of us dummies in check
mosquitos, tics, poison ivy etc.

there was a Masonic temple on fire
I ran into the building trying to save some vintage clothes inside
but it was haunted and every time I got down one flight of stairs 
the room would flash and turn from the entrance 
into another floor, another set of stairs down
then the freemasons started chasing me down the hall
wearing black masks 

the name for where they make iron is a "bloomery"
another iron working word that I like is "pig iron"

new epic untied 1

speaking in sets
of symbols,
I'm out to lunch in
a villenella

someone said
in Paris that if
you drop your
baguette it's clean
because symbols
don't get dirty

but to clean my mind
with a simple swab

to love with my body
my mind

to love with my mind
the road

the road with the rising steam
the Mists of Upstate
the Helens of Troy

the bear on the deck
the bears in my ears

my mom said
but your bear ears
the night before I got them pierced
at five or something, soft
lobe between her fingers

the bear in the road

I lick my own lips and
remember how it feels
to be kissed

My Kinda Night

this guy is talking to me 
and I'm writing a poem in my head
not listening at all
open like a flower with artist written in the center in bubble letters
wishing to bloom at night
in Portugal

Monday, July 23, 2018

Kesey 1


a disheveled middle aged white couple
the stubbly face of the man
the million times bleached hair and too much eyeliner of the woman
but they were both wearing head to toe purple and white tie dye outfits
and bright white sneakers

the little girl in the bathroom with a babydoll in her drawstring backpack
just the head sticking out with the drawstrings cinched around the baby doll’s neck
hanging ridiculously off the little girls back
almost as big as her
if that were a real baby how scary
it’s big head threatening to be whacked by something or fall to the floor

the beautiful woman with the tiny baby girl
sitting on the floor near the window
telling her baby fiercely no! stop that! no!
when she cries
you're being a brat, you know better than this!
she’s in the seat in front of me on the plane
cursing and nursing

Las Cruces

sitting in grandma's back yard in the morning
after the rain the air smells like tea
the Russian sage with its purple blossoms made into a tincture
the wind chimes ring out holy
reflecting in the shiny puddles in the clean flat cement of the patio

as  I help her prune and trellis her roses
she tells me about stealing vats of blood 
from the hospital for her plants
and she had the biggest roses in town

the big man who everyone was scared of in solitary
so they didn't give him his meds
she had his cell cleaned and helped get what he needed
till he was well enough to stand in the med line with everyone else
then she went away for a couple weeks on vacation 
and nobody helped him get his meds
he fell into disrepair
withdrawing into himself 
even more than before my grandma met him

the man who was stabbed in the pen 
and died because he was too skinny
they hit the vena kava by mistake

the Downs race track where grandpa worked
he was in coaching jockeys, gambling, and drug dealing

being from somewhere
what’s that mean?

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Stephanie bought me a motorized wheelchair that I road around the town in my clean stretchy outfit long skirt etc
I wondered if it was lazy and bad for me but I could move so fast and smooth 

The tiny ship in the harbor Kayla and Jake
They are tiny under the silver butler tray 
Transformed they left their big clothes behind
I got aboard which involved some degree of swimming wet boat 
In a pod that comes up for air 

Dad gave me a box full of charger parts and fax machines and my clothing

driving movie

driving in Los Angeles
In a rusted out 1940s car
Swooping and scraping along the arcs of the freeway
with that big orange sky all around
Haze Mote’s rat colored car in Wise Blood
Being pushed off the embankment 
like you could just push a car off an embankment  easily 
like a cartoon
a hard boiled character in my movie would say
the road’s are the only shoulders I cry on


The straw lifeguard hat I bought for him 
hanging off of the seat in front of me
I look at it sadly like who am I
Buying hats for who?

A bike ride with my dad in Santa Cruz
Behind him breaking too much of a sweat
this place that was made for humans to be
Harbors and tiny beaches swooping by
Smelling like eucalyptus, honeysuckle
bonfires burning in the sand 
The air always the softest temp
For whatever activity 

The things I know don’t distance me enough
From this group of people 
Why do I feel so separate?
Lucia disturbs me
her fixation and memories
insular, obsessive
She needs it more than any of us 
To recount specific stories in embarrassing detail

my sister and cousin trade tales of doing badly in school 
like comparing battle scars
I never got any Fs! I graduated! 
I want to cover Adele’s ears
The grandeur of the house 
makes me feel like a failure 


The sun is strong already walking from the parking lot to the center 
My foggy congested head is like a fish tank
reflecting the light wavy and quiet 
Bobbing blinded down the street
Reminds me of traveling with Lucia in 2010
Clean and leisurely yet anxious
The smell of cheap Italian shampoo
Different than American cheap shampoo

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

July 4th, 2018

knots in my stomach

for not knowing how to feel

something is awry but what?

how many more times

can I lose my innocence?

bramble around my heart

so catholic, dramatic

but its a real feeling

like pierced by thorns, deflated

defeated and accepting

there is no better or worser

Jamie's birthday again

what does it mean this time?

our Peter Pan friend

that pervasive kindness

with no effort or motive

that isn't even a kindness

it is a curiosity

just natural

all I know is I'm going away

and I'll try to make

everyone proud