Tuesday, December 31, 2019

moving



a waste of plastic
to bag up what
I'm over so
I rake it all
against the fence

this morning with
limon lays
the mountains
rat shit and the
truck

the hot roofer
his neck tattoos

I bet you have
the nicest roof
in south central

I wrote out my dream
in big thick marker:

walking briskly to
a more perfect food
& scared someone
along the way

goals, perfection
amidst transition?

unapologize and
publish!




a little bit of everything everyday

   boy paws&
dog paws
at 3 am but I'ms
leEp
  ing
visit
  from
a college
figure who
I can only
remember
by Instagram
 name now
    he gave me
a Super 8
camera
encouraging
my "work"
 I was
touched

Monday, December 30, 2019

chapter called Church



people say they might Jewish this week
perhaps in solidarity with the stabbed—
negotiating this, the Hanukah 
party, the floorplan of the rabbi’s house

can I start off bouncy though
really easy on the surface
so it’s just like look over here
a fun keychain, a floor routine
ribbons glitter scarves chalk

I am moved by a caption
she's like 
I'm adding to the pile 
but wishing the kids could just 
be free
basically saying a moving
train but even that is
going somewhere

I won’t forget the train
from Paris to Berlin
I won’t forget how it
rehydrated Hebrew School
dropped fear back off
in my cave 

at the house I’m out 
of hammer and nails so
I sit still, I eat kind of
dying 
not to read but to know 
better the bible I get
mass selfies from my top
2 literally from mother 
and Mary

I turn it on and I can’t think 
I turn it off and I’m scared
to be alone without the music
that fills me with inspo but also
stops me like a drawn bath

they sing this song 
fill my cup, lord!
and then
the choir does the wine
pouring motion or
blood pouring

I can imagine you 
shutting my dusty zine
as if a heavy book with
fear on the church chapter

but grow up 
god is back
and pile theory
are some other
title options 


*






make a wish, make a joke



C and the W

the man in office
is a big distraction
I don't waste any breath on but
for 30 seconds I want to acknowledge
my deep disgust when he says “witch hunt” 
to decry any accusation
tell it to all the women 
burnt
that wasn’t a fluke
it never ended
he will always be the hunter
he has never known 
what it is to be hunted  

Sunday, December 29, 2019

ancient drunk or

texting
from a padiddle
(I didn't know
this term
it means a
car with one
headlight
burnt out)
in the middle
of 95 south
at night

Friday, December 27, 2019

Parra Sonnet 1



I would prefer to die ahead of you
an interesting mess behind me something
like shouting just hang up, hang up and thrive
paranoid sitting next to your pencils

the trash can courtesy of a phony
pen-name considering where you’ve bounced to 
my poem on the coast on a wall on
1950’s Facebook, considering

the family that I am pre grieving
the mountain I came down with lord knowing
an amount of time handing off justice
or sitting on a fruit scale and thinking

about the pit of your lie and actually
I would prefer that you be first to die

lontanissimo

eating seaweed snacks
with lipstick on at Penn station
green dust in the corners



Nothing Bundt Cakes 2

he got me a job at McDonald's
it was at the end of my grandma’s street 
in Santa Cruz 
it was the middle of the night but I walked over 
and made a Shirley Temple per someone’s order
using the many plastic packets provided 
which dosed out the grenadine and soda 
mixing the drink outside in the parking lot 
a cop sitting in his car behind tinted windows
listening to his dispatch radio 
















































x

to reclaim the idea that 
nothing is possible
that is poetry 
I baked a cake shaped like 
the queen of England’s crown
a duvet of jade colored marzipan spread
edges piped with edible metallic pearls  
it tasted like 
looking through the window of a moving train 
the sun rising over a frozen field
truly I baked a cake 
entirely out of 
nothing












the almost sleep
feeling of having
really big
far away
body parts 
that you might 
drive to













Wednesday, December 25, 2019

I’m Talking

the city vs the country 
vs the Amazon
East Coast vs West Coast
vs Milan, Italy
people in the Amazon
who hold your hand
and look into your eyes
to understand who you are
children who can’t learn 
because they only engage with
screens as babies
missing sensory information
and synapses
no real social skills
looking into the phone
the 17 sustainable development goals
we’re signed into agreement in 2015
but none are in effect
if they just did number 5
gender equality
how much would change 
it’s all about economics 
there is enough
it needs to be redistributed
...in some ways...
but consumers are demanding
the electric car
capitalism is taking care of it 
I don’t want to talk about it
it’s unpleasant
not today
I just see his orange face in my mind
... diapers
dementia
the further I advanced in archeology
the fewer women there were around me
particularly on expeditions
I looked up and I was alone
this can’t be right 
there are so many women
waiting



Tuesday, December 24, 2019

monday



babysitting at the weed 
I mean I went to the parking
lot is full at the store with
the babies in the shopping
cart in the rain and I went
to the weed store after
sativa is the mind right?
hemp papers cuz she
a hippie alone in my car
in the rain in LA agua
puddle agua dew 
agua sandbox agua
pink hangover tide 
me over with 7% thc 
until the movies until
god removes my
blocks in the closet

Monday, December 23, 2019

molto smart, such physician

we love to play
with our food and our words

the silver placemats
silver = argento

feeling medieval
with mi vino goblet 

tutti argento, snail tools
me and Coqui, devils 

Papa, quiet
observing

I wonder if he is writing too



Sunday, December 22, 2019

Saturday, December 21, 2019

mandrake

of course bleeding
like paw prints
in the toilet
dark iodine

there are so many types of shop
thick shining windows
hanging perfume
cigarettes

loosen up
in every language
become my mother
loud, stubborn

go work a real job 
then get back to me
good, glad he doesn’t
think what I do is real

stirring clams into pasta
their shells sound like rain
I giggle uncontrollably
devil horns

Twist 3



dtf who I wish I was
when you see me
it’s always the pants
an opaque leg
a departure from
the truth of my
body that gets me

meanwhile I was 
very prepared
for the climate protest
in which you had leadership
I thought I was waiting out
practice, the scaling
of the wall alongside
the mock freeway

suddenly I was alone

twist 1 is that I wasn’t
thinking outside the box
concerning my definition
of practice

twist 2 is no one does
think around
all the furniture
and traditions
the invisible fence
on the lawn of brain

all the groups like
rice patties 

all the crusty strangers
of adjacent scenes 

where? without me
I'm stuck but here
to wring poems 
for clean cloth

spread out

information 
to blow seeds

group's origin 
in crop




Liminal Ladies

doused in the white fluorescence of the airport
I can see just how dirty all of my clothing is
how wintered and spotted my face
ragged and static my hair 

I daydream a very wealthy lady
who lives in the air always
only touching down for fuel and food
swaddled in white noise, cloud views 

painting her nails glossy red
watching The Big Sleep on tv
biggest bubbles in her champagne 
endless pasta alfredo

so I skip the automatic dryer
using my damp hands to pull
lint and dog hair 
from my sweater 

to be liminal forever, the ultimate luxury
I love this lonely lady
I see her in a white unitard, leg warmers
and camel colored cashmere

I stretch at the gate
clasp my hands behind my back
drop my head and roll it from shoulder to shoulder
lift each foot to stretch each hamstring

try to embody my lonely lady
I hope everyone thinks I’m Italian
or a ballerina
or an Italian ballerina

I align all eight of the silver hoops in my ears
adjust the bun at the nape of my neck
make sure my silver bracelets 
are glinting and exposed

touch everything in my “personal item”
apply the balm and the salve
take out the b&w checkered scarf
lovingly fold, reinsert

I buy a toothbrush and toothpaste
recycle the cardboard, trash the plastic 
make a plan to stay in the tiny bathroom 
and pamper myself, for a very long time

Friday, December 20, 2019

rose city



what you forgot
in my dark room
that’s what 
she said
also
awesome <3

I’m driving again
shrinking & 
the mountains

there   they   are

circling the rose parade
towards oh happy days
baby blue nails 
and wooden
I should
rock more

ring a ling a ling ding dong ding

we love our bread
we love our butter
but most of all
we love each other

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

spillnothing

I can see my future
it's posted on the bulletin board
in the kitchen at the restaurant

I can see my future
it's in a spreadsheet
I received via email

I can see my future
it's the time it takes
on public transit
counting backwards
from an hour before my flight

at the same time a feeling
of being on a conveyor belt
into the past

transferring from work to bus
to train to plane
to a place where
nothing is possible

note to self
never turn 26 again
I tilt my head back
to keep the tears in my eyes

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

sludge

hate 
Christmas

Monday, December 16, 2019

woke up: where am I (home 2)


Cucumber feels huge
compared to Skittles
ami takes her outside
to chew on bamboo
in snowboard
clothes

mismatch furniture
or get new shit?
can never gage
improvement's worth
my farmhouse
mess my piano
stand, hello
dust

book
stacks
teetering
atop
little
($5)
bookshelf
smaller
and
smaller
to
one
piece a
paper

rubbery today
and coughing
color blocking
advising
recommending
sleeping
in my own
bed






Sunday, December 15, 2019

soda and bitters

frosted glass jar
swirl to mix
the sound 
of the cubes 
is just like
horse hooves 
on cobblestones
slow motion
potion
orange drops 
dissipate ombre
I cut a persimmon
into 8 perfect pieces
put it on a pink glass
tea saucer
and eat it in bed
reading Caliban
and the Witch
by headlamp

Illness As Metaphor

!?

i could wear a sunset

hungover
walking day
a mist level
that slowly
soaks every
part of me
through
lavender
aqua
silk scarf
baboosh
soft white
sneakers
padding wet
the sunset
over the dome
glory
look right
into it sweet
blindness

Be A Body




eyes pop open 6am
autopilot
stomach woosh
pregnancy dream
moon pull
iud perforation
to be a body
in the workplace
heart palpitations
rattle lungs
back pain
it's Friday Night
thirteenth no less
8 bottles of wine
for 8 people
downed plus
chartreuse so much
room for liquid
once I get
started
melting candle wax
onto my palm
love the hot
drip

Friday, December 13, 2019

my sparkling world

dining in? 
table for two?
anywhere you like

the menu 
placed
at the edge
of the table

the way 
everything
is a code 

we leave
their water glasses
empty

she doesn't really
want to know
what we do when we leave

we're fine they say
then comes abruptly
the gesture for the check
the
I'm writing / poet 
gesture
oh ok so
do not disturb?
imagine

jesters
when the babies
blink up
licking
the syrup bells


Some Pile Theory 0098227

....

dreamed of an egg with a spine 
unsurprised at anything
wretched


the subletter’s lover
every night
at the only window
with a breeze


in protest 
I jerked off to revolution
to anything sharp


to dream logic adding up


caught onshore between
some fucking dude and
a shark sighting


I’m a puddle


wearing my eyeballs as earrings
being mad at gravity 
actually 
you said a cool thing about a puddle


jerking off
to contrast 
to harvesting ecstasy
from nothing


my marinated brain 
when we text about


nothing


the coiled weight 
the walls 


gray with
what still hangs around 


my podium, god
the pile
the ruin


laying it all down
the phone
the shield

the sword

Thursday, December 12, 2019

room for the life



Fade Plan

I review the 
Fade Plan
late into the night
preparing 
for my first visit

the goal is to
make yourself 
unnecessary





driving in the majesty 
of sunrise
I think I can see
the curve of the earth better 
in winter light 






a bronze cowboy 
struggling out of 
the brick wall
of the municipal building 
with his bronze horse
pained expression




it’s weird to put that poster there
a sterile posh interior
on the outside of a
rundown thing







store window reflecting icy
over the peach colored walls
and Christmas tinsel inside 


I recently have seen two 
different funeral homes
that right under where 
their signs say such and such 
FUNERAL HOME
they’ve put a giant
CLOCK
rude




faded fruit decals
glistening near a loading dock
gliding in the majesty of 
driving
the city on the map 
the frozen marsh
the trip 
cruising
on the clock 


at A.B.’s house  
the clock was so wrong 
I thought it was upside down
he asks me what skills I have
and tells me he met Obama 
at a coffee shop 


when I leave 
driving down the slope of Ridge Ave
in the majesty of sunset
I see out over the edge of the world
the bridge with 
iron flowers painted primary colors
at every joint and junction 


the map of the city
the circle
complete
I lay in the tub
and feel like
I’m looking down at the ceiling
from up on the floor






Wednesday, December 11, 2019

hot topics


communism
music
BDSM

ever since the fire
at Ren’s auto body shop
in September

apocalypse
(always in)
astrology

but also just





late tues


wishing to confide 
in someone who 
doesn't care

surprise anorexic 
guest who brings
her own peas

sick like motion sick 
but distance

the bandaid 
of distance
i break a glass




Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Swoosh





New Girl

seed pod
for a tree?
silver white
strands
attached
like hair
impossible
clown car
of seeds
floating out
into the air
silk scarves
from the sleeve
in my black suede
glove hand
inhale
one
imagine typing
as a
guitar solo
imagine
wearing
French Maid
costume
at the cafe
imagine
a
melody
for the
idea
that we are
all
one
mind
venn diagram
or
melting
like
butter
into
you


um







Sunday, December 8, 2019

saved by?



maybe a song won't change
some people's minds but
this view of the bar where
my mom goes later

meet me at midnight

...don't be late 
on his t-shirt coming down
the cobblestones

acting all rushed on
34th street, stoic
but actually loving
the shitshow
the bells and Mariah

i say to myself oh,
won't you stay?
swallow
die a little
and Go
there will be
mountains...

Saved With(?) Amazing Grace
the mimes at church
in jeans and t-shirts
maybe a song won't
change some people's minds
but
SWAGS' painted face
the baby in the balcony
yelling
amen

the man in the choir
that my grandma loved
his face
so sunken
he seems barely alive
someone said he won't
eat anymore but he's
singing a solo, got
everyone going

ever see the button on your shirt
move with your heartbeat?

amen?



i am the restaurant and the restaurant is me part 1,000,000

muttering while gliding
through the restaurant
back to work
says boss, like a mad dad
his stale breath
a very unbecoming harmony
to the scold
berated for not calling the delivery driver on time
for the catering order i wasn't told about
dad leaves no choice
but for us to rebel
security cameras in every corner
we've halfway installed
surveillance
in our own heads
but goof off anyways
come in on my day off
to pick up a sandwich
no food in my own fridge
sustenance
or servitude?

Every Prank Is A Blessing

South Philly Italian restaurant
60-something hostess with hair
fried by years of dying and fluffing
jersey snakeskin blouse billowing
as she clicks around the dining room
eyes held in place by black eyeliner
serene drooping smile
loudly giving the shy server shit
for setting a table wrong
you never get anything right
the door at the end of the dining room
with a stained glass window
reading Gianna’s Room
emerald ribbons
powder puff flowers
victorian debutant saloon
style stained glass
waiters go in and out
the sliding door reveals for a moment
the private party
giggles
young versions of the hostess
adjusting their skirts
sometimes makeup is magic
and sometimes makeup
is just makeup

Friday, December 6, 2019

Firm & Sweet

thank you
Jean-Jacques
for more
yoga wisdom
he reminds us to
be firm and sweet

Ben says
there is no 
talking cure
for abject poverty
he wants to have
a private practice
and help who he can

discussion of
couple in full shiny
bdsm leather gear
mom crawling, on a leash
held by dad
dad, pushing a stroller
toddler in stroller

Stanley our guy
who pays for the coffee later
and works endlessly on his
handwritten calendar
because he doesn't
trust any old calendar
you could buy at the store

he yells across the room to ask
what's your name again?
when I tell him he says
oh ok, ok
did I tell you
Kayla and I are 
having 10 kids?

I clarify that's how many
you have now?
no no he says we're in 
the process though
do you think that's too many?
I tell him I don't think
I could handle that
and mix sugar and cream
into his coffee for him


i gotta find peace of mind


head against the wall
type spirals not
a cute roommate
to mom
i let her cat
bite me

it's not in the computer

it's in the back
& i miss it even
when i'm there

100% concrete block

to reflect later on it's
embedded gems

leave time alone!
and the months
in between

woke with sick
awareness of organs

her beautiful face
at late dinner

i'm undone because





Thursday, December 5, 2019

listen mama, listen papa

  wake up three
times in the night
     the handshake
yeah I mean 
  it's not about you
  why do I ask men
to give me the answers
  reactionary
why do I need so
much help
    what do your
parents do?
 race traitor
class traitor
    the beautiful
possibilities, don't turn
your back on
  past revolutions
go whole hog because
   there is nothing
 to lose but your chains
   my mind is a buzz
read the packet
   three times
  cap cancer cap cancer
why astrology?
  humans need
systems even when they say
they reject religion
  Sotheby's Christie's
Agatha Auction
   house read Wikipedia article
about the Iranian
revolution at 2:32 am
   dream we
had a party
at the restaurant
   at night but it
 was decorated
like a chintzy
   Miami hotel, seashell
pink curved white furniture
   and he brought so much
  coke to the party
and the security
   cameras the next day
I had to beg
    the bosses
 not to fire him
please, papa
  please, mama
and the boss
commented on
  how his coke
looked shitty
  then I got on the subway
which was more like
   the fairground ride
with individual swings
hanging from
 long chains
you had to catch one
   from the cement edge
  of the platform
and slide onto it
 legs dangling over
a dark abyss
  oh to
be
  in
love
and
 never
get out
again


Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Why

don’t I understand anything

temporalis (part 1)


our holding hands
cropped at the rink I mean
that's it

who am i today
except for the times
walking my granda
over the ice




down the hall
you're descending
                            see 
                            it's sunny 


your head 
on the window
                       and snowy at once 



call me           ?


all these weird things
throb

the newspaper framed
in her necklace 

fuck this bedroom 
for harvesting
respite


Soup to Nuts

that's all

"unconscionable" tbt

I know the root is
"conscience" but the
way it's pronounced, I think
"conch" like there is
no seashell, the seashell
of the mind, roaring white noise
in an empty chamber
what can't you conch?
the seashell of the mind
empty, floating

sit on the bench by where
the trollies turn around
someone cracks open a beer
also alone, I don't want
to be a spy anymore
the privilege of observing
the words stuck in my mind
sometimes when I'm sitting still
with my eyes closed I can slice
through my empty body
like air, I imagine it so easy
a butterknife zig zagging
from the top of my head
to the bottom of my feet

walking through the city at night
"University City", "West"
Cowboy and I become
invisible, again the spy
the Penn student in his living
room in a dress shirt
holding a candelabra?
the uneven bricks of
the sidewalk, so many bricks
like people on this planet
I had a thought about them
warping, waving into
rolling hills over tree roots

sometimes my eyes zoom out
and see the trees lining a street
from an omnipotent perspective
and I see how gravity
and wind have acted on them
and I see just how alive they are and
ready to take over or fall over
how silly to plant them surrounded
by sidewalk

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Identity to Go

getting emails from nobody
about my fingerprinting appointment
in the “Pennovation” building
I’m told to walk in what feels
like a spiral of hallways
past the “Ghost Robotics Lab”
just one tired fingerprinter
in a tiny cubicle at the end of a hallway
he says he’s been doing this for years
:(

undying


snowed in and
can't comprehend
any bit of the book
this 5 am
the shadeless lamp
already reading
about body damage
exhausted 
but make plans
in the dark
for a bagel

i'm 13 again
the blinds always drawn

the heater was
my dad coming home
so many times 

i watched
the sunset but also
the whole day before 
and the whole night after









Monday, December 2, 2019

heaven is other people

will a child find me 
by a stream
   my eyes feel like
they're gonna bleed
 kiss 
    my petals
 weave me 
   through a dream
    on my own 
here I go

(it's a mash up of "les fleurs"
and "brain stew")

budget the day
drug test at LabCorp
just popping out to
use a public restroom

the Pee Tech's hair
matches her lipstick
exactly
mauve/auburn
mauvburn
scrubs also

computer for work
guitar
computer for fun
guitar
hungry
clean house time
to do list vs
dream task

the Christmas toy I found on the street
next to me in it's box reading
"TWO TIE PRAMID"
beckons me to assemble

how the fuck is it 4pm
scream boat

Sunday, December 1, 2019

town...


how the teacher says
i'll wait 

the manifesto
a splitting headache

walk by the library
longingly

the vein under his
eye when he's
tired

frozen cocktail
of fuel and winter

the avenue
would never 
be what it was 

dd (dear diary)


at the party I think
all I do is want
answers
attention
to get some laughs
to get to the meat
to love and be loved
tell myself tomorrow
I will stop wanting so much
will contain myself



tiny proportionate port glasses
a plastic folding table for the booze
spread of fancy digestifs and aperitifs
this one smells like olives
and tastes like Christmas
they bought a former Catholic girls' school
multicolored pastel candy linoleum floor
dressed in a layer of sawdust
powdered sugar
they found an old invitation
to the school halloween party
typewritten inside the outline
of a witch on a broom
crumbly paper
pinned to wall



zoom out my friends can afford this?
how?
cigarettes inside



I make a documentary in my head
interviewing everyone at the party



Lucia tells me courting the rich people
for fundraising is fine
you just have to know their interests
make them feel cool



Nargiz says she thinks the revolution
is women being easier on themselves
and having confidence in their own minds



I ask Wai Ji what her dream job is
she doesn't know but after school she decided
being an artist wasn't something
she could do
figuring out what her narrative was
and making work about it
in that way



talks about her tech job
    UX
       10X
revenue
    my teams
the new owners 
  wanted us
   to grow revenue 
by 10% that made 
me very angry
  I told them look
that should be 
a company goal













*~`.
in my dream I know he's around
     in "The Bay" where I'm from
I drive by Lake Merritt as
    the sun is glinting sideways
into the steamy windows of
 my car, brown leather
it's an old Volkswagen or something
         I hear him reciting a poem
from far away, but for me
  like I'm in two places at once
sun just starting to tilt, Fairy Land sign
I light two lavender colored candles
   holding them in my left hand
against the steering wheel
     lighter in my right
wobbling wheel
   to help him find me
bewitch
  white yellow candle flame against
    beams in the windows
glinting off the lake