bzzz

my stomach turns
a question soup
how to drive off the tyrant
who lives in there

how to understand
size / scale
the sun bleached dollhouses
around the neighborhood

giants gripping
magnifying glasses overhead
and the streets have finally
burst into flames

how to really
stay with each other
drive off the tyrants
in all of us

young summer

the day cleared up too fast
rain's permission gone
for god knows

at a loss with desire
drunk with loud birds again/still

didn't set up the day
for release

casually possessed,
I turn on the piano from
the beginning
of this mess

I think of him when
scooping the chocolate chips
and when I shout at the squirrel
climbing up through
the bottom of my car

unearthing interest/
intrigue

made it all the way
to the beach on
one feeling
scootering on the grass
pretending

the trees are all purple
please love me

doing the washing
to be with cool water

,,pleurer,,pleuvoir,,

the old destinations
in the neighborhood
the shut down restaurant
where we all worked
seem silly, dramatic like
ancient ruins
the sleeping windows
summer humidity
rounding off the edges
quiet streets
lights changing for no one
crossing diagonal
soft warm rain
the way the air feels
on my thin dress
bare legs
thin shoes on the sidewalk
pregnant with nostalgia
for something that wasn't
I laugh about
feeling so motherly
towards the nothing

Lakeside Park

when we had supervised visits with mom
we would meet at this depressing daycare
on Grand Ave
we would all sit on the floor together
one of those rugs with roads and street signs
it smelled like old french fries
I don’t remember what we talked about
we would play Mario Kart
there were other sad kids and parents
sticky beanbag chairs
after a certain number of visits
we were allowed to go for walks
we would go to Coffee with a Beat
I always got a poppyseed bagel with butter
I don’t remember what we talked about

square 1a

slowly drawing diamonds
(and their shadows)
coming to something like
a clearing, or at least believing
there will be one, eventually

traveling with the big song that cuts

when love can be the glint again
always right here
on my table

I observe with narrowed eyes
this glint, or whatever
the birds/sun

shoulders slumped
over love
the hot potato
swallow sharing
even
hide from god

still down to
change your mind
while I revisit
what I make
as love

fluid mosaic model

wonder if the bathroom mirror
stores these bad vibes in it

my laptop's weird pulse
pretty church bells for noon

I read only 1% of our genetic material is unique
and think fuck the 1%

I miss the 57 bus
(longingly not literally)

Kayla said the days feel long with all my longing
I never acknowledged the length in that word

feel wrung out
like after swimming

I miss the overpass walkway
with the spiral ramps

walking over 580
the sound of the ocean

it curves behind Lakeview elementary
always felt like a cool secret

I miss Morcom rose garden
a random pocket in the neighborhood

the long fountain with low stair step pools
laying on the strip of grass

4:36 am is the Tuesday of my 5-day sentence

in my juvie dream we ate busted versions
of summer foods
charred newspaper and
vanilla ice cream
in the shapes of cherries

the items were distributed
unequally

Mary was there for one day

would I get phone privileges

to keep up communication

*

a reproduction of our scene
spread like butter on the inside
of my forehead

it could seep out, or
it's a drive in movie

*

headlines,
on a rare cloudy cloudy morning

atoms & evening

as an analogy, think 
of a football stadium:
the entire stadium is 
the atom, a marble at 
its center is its nucleus, 
and the specks of pollen 
floating around in the 
stadium are its electrons-
everything except the 
marble and the pollen 
grains is just empty 
space

remember that we are not descended from fearful men

the textbook describes
  serous membranes
    as similar to
beanbag chairs
and shows the heart
      sitting comfortably
  truly, like
we're just full
    of packing materials
I remember how
      the ancient Egyptians
preparing a mummy
     would put all the organs
   in separate jars
except the heart
      which Anubis weighed
against a feather
   to calculate
    the price of postage
for the long
    journey
to the underworld
    I bottle mine
send it
    downstream
a correspondence
   a tiny boat pulled
towards Nut's mouth
   as she swallows the sun
to be reborn
   tomorrow

many many suns

to immerse myself in the natural world
I don't even know, just
got emo re: ancestors

never even thought of how
I go back through others
because I don't believe it

today I don't believe
one single thing
that has ever happened

*

woke up from a jail about dream

I went to pick out my cell
the staff was pretty nice
with their keys

I saw the corners
where they stash
the tragedy

a gymnasium
a means to an end

*

watching the mess grow back, defeated

*

the moon out the window behind me
I guess summer feels like life which
I love

I'll do what? until the moon's out of sight

the motorcycle on the grass is
sleeping cat

*

finally slept those extra minutes
on my stomach, the blood
pooling I could
taste it in my mouth

*

the interpretation police
subjective blackmail
this insane fantasy

*

full moon is actually today
and I don't want to choose
anything over party

resist attention but
xoxo

tomorrow I'm post
anything

*

dream at big dining table

*

we assembled his grill
and made ribs

I'm breaking out

the bamboo makes a sound

*

watching the nightfall
with puffy clouds
one like a dick
brief neighbor fantasy

I can hardly see the page

I love picking the mint

more $ than work
where was it before

*

ride bike to dry
mothers day tears

L called me with
the neon crests

the ferris wheel is so us

*

something like the sound
of horse hooves outside

spent the night together
in my dreams, was scifi
and easy

*

thought about meeting people in PCH traffic

invigorating to see some water damage

*

how psychic am I
in the dream I knew
we were on the same side

*

those nights when
morning feels like
one minute ago
the bed unmade,
just a sharp
arrow to drunk

*

fantasy as main event
tired for fruit
woke with weird hair
lawn mower
strong gin
cucumber as
puppet

*

beach dream with
big hurricane

the cat eats cat grass

my heart races in
review

I eat papaya
the enzymes on my mom's counter

*

the urgency of dusk has me
skipping steps
puzzled by my own drafts

a certain safety in waiting (a circle)

*

bleach sky
grows dark
while I'm looking down
just feel like
publishing

*

a stray pokeball
in the shade of a cactus

the new dirty

no traceable thread

for bad stomach

braiding over 

projection

astrally speaking

from the very top 

of my head

humming

brimming

in company 

using only the breath in my brain

if we're moving up from the bottom

from the earth

see my plant theory

for disconnection

googling their names

I've been electrocuted

I've bled from my nose

on the curb in Florida

with dad, his no-faced

bad knees

trans-gen phantoms

in the pool

more later

Illustrious Cobweb

a mom/dad/god wind chime
an iris that is also
the 4 chambers of the heart

a cycle of abuse
a ground zero

an ascension

it's like these things 

are falling off a shelf 

and shattering in my mind

a castle/fortress

a river fixation

a deep and a shallow

a friend
a sister
a teacher






`~.'*






playing a youtube video on my phone
filmed in a field with bird sounds and wind

while standing really in a field
with real bird sounds and wind

the layers synch up like
eternity

soccer field mud smell
beer cans glinting
under the bleachers

bonne maman

6:05 am sun
caught in our room 

wet beams/orange bricks 

textured shadows
flat envelopes
glass dust light

the alley

my mind spoons out a map

of my grade school's playground

like apricot jam

and I fall back asleep

dream a party
where I'm dressed as
partly cloudy

my face painted
dappled blue and white

when I wake up again

the sun is higher, normal

making starburst patterns on the bricks

the windows bubble like
fish eye lenses

Gel Venture 7 Carrier Grey / Violet Blush vs. Gel Contend 6D

the bank's robot recites a beautiful poem
that goes

D as in Delicious
  K as in Kindness
7
 W as in Water
I as in Impossible
 3

I press the pound key
to make her repeat it
thrice

Grandma R asks for my address
I start to tell her and she says

no mija
I want it in writing
mail me a card 

I ask for her address
to mail the card
and she says

I don't know it
I never write to myself

grassy hill frag

I took myself
to the site of the fantasy
which is the park
next to the community garden
it's a grassy hill
I see a horse
one horse
I came here
to see what would happen
and because I'm free
the park where I imagine
us breaking all the rules
on site I'm turned on
by the hot wind
wearing the thinnest shirt
I have, it's silk
an ancient blessing
the reality is
that the site of the fantasy
is relatively crowded
the wanderer who
keeps dropping down
close by, the dad
and his kids who arrived
with energy, ready
to retrieve something from a tree
I hate nothing more
than this kind of task
moving things around
transferring an object
from one place to another
2 horses now
a dead crow (shredded)
sticking out of the grass like
halloween or shark fin soup
I'm sure the dad saw
the shape of my boobs perfectly
because it's the thinnest shirt ever
hunching forward now
for the wanderer

the way the sun comes through
my eyelids, the sun comes in
and the wind passes by

I reject outward worship but
do it (the sun, wind)

to snap out of unfounded
love, eventually

coming home to pee

how the sun hits each leaf
like food coloring
each leaf like
a candle wick

and tonight

drove up the PCH
with sunset
u-turned after
Pepperdine

thought about sex and cried
everything that's wrong
all the cones etc.
the sleeping, spinning lights

thought of all the times
I've done this drive
in groups
with wet clothes

I got out at Venice
the wide, unwelcoming shore
now dark and busy

I saw the plankton glowing
in the crests of the waves
me and everybody else

I saw the heart on the ferris wheel
and the heart reflected in the runoff

once I got so high at this beach
that I drove away with
my wallet on top of the car
it had $300 cash inside
the only money to my name
working for the street artist
at the Chateau Marmont
we made these show posters
with dream lineups but
the vinyl stickers came fucked up
people got seriously on the phone about it
in French, shouting "Bod Dylan"

there's a photo of me and Ty
with T and K stickers on our foreheads

the wallet stayed on my car because
the roof rack

meanwhile had to

5 (the hypnotist) and 8

undone by the hypnotist
her hostage
she said she only
hypnotizes herself

but when my brain
aches I eat walnuts
resembling brains

I'm undone because
your kaleidoscope

---

offended by our neighbor
who we call Jeff
letting me know
our flowers are
dying

cancelled but surveilled

a bigger strip of dirt/
the idea of being enough

healing, my friend says to
her daughter, you're healthy
cut, her daughter keeps saying
scab, my friend says, healing

re-opening

covid world is bruised
I cry at all times of day

everything is
what trickles in through the screen

square after square shows
Ahmaud Arbery

flowers spill on the sidewalks

raindrops temper our sleeping

and America murders
like a phone off the hook

A Laughable Party

Liverpoor? Sot a bit of it! His braynes coolt parritch, his pelt nassy, his heart's adrone, his bluidstreams acrawl, his puff but a piff, his extremities extremely so: Fengless, Pawmbroke, Chilblaimend and Baldowl. Humph is in his doge. Words weigh no more to him than raindrips to Rethfernhim. Which we all like. Rain. When we sleep. Drops. But wait until our sleeping. Drain. Sdops.

Bigger Garden 4

caught making sense

line breaks open 

windows, world bubbles

between rose city and me

all toasted candy

earlier, I wrote some

bullshit I mean fiction 

about this time 

last year— yearning

when I took her to the bar

patience 

with dust

she stirs with songs

wakes up with the sun 

turning on like an oven

there are sprouts

better than my garden

along the garage walls

patience with

yesterday

turned on by

squishing letters

together 

touching on 
attention

as the only 
viable transition

Spilltears Rue

the irony of mom
quarantined in a town called
"Truth or Consequences"
while she faces neither

the plastic dollhouse
in the bent tall grass
sunsetting through it
pink and yellow

birds swarming pastel froot loops
scattered on the sidewalk
dream of collecting a rattlesnake's venom
to poison the landlord

with me

intention today is
to be like that huge, 

obscene rose

I don’t remember

discussing the balsamic moon

but you said so

to feign synchronicity

w/ data suggesting 

my going off

spiritually

I still really,

really love you

singing all these

big deals, I really

hope upward

my control panel, wet

dream of a ballad

was it stardom?

was it vulnerable

applause 

I love, earlier I thought

I love

an idea like

your regular pillow

tomorrow

I’m still 

the obscene rose

the omniscient intention

to have everyone be 

in really, really

still love 

hestia

night notes

at 2 am I turn out the light
and my body vanishes
my mind is an ember
dim, pulsing

I'm solving, searching
the 1,2,3 of it
percolating a theory
about the beginning
the adamneve of it

I jumble all I've learned
I don't want to be touched
an ember on the pillow
I roll it around
the imperialist core
the bad apple

my bitter neighbor
the relentless wind
I revise my diary
vanity's scribblings

a man's voice floats
up from the park
singing, raving
he's all around us
reverberating in the alley

I register him as a part of me
roaming, reeling
then resting a while
on may day, a diagram
of relationships
extraction and empire

I'm certain
I've learned something
but I wake up
at the beginning

seeking a sunspot
to turn to stone in
a river to merge with
a tree to grow
around me