Monday, May 28, 2018

ptsd





I try to distract myself
list kinds of flowers I like
learn to play that song
drive with the Saturday morning ragas blasting
is the mugwort drying on my dash dangerous
to dream while operating heavy machinery
park & walk through shade patch
to sun spot
another way to say
dappled


I like the back parking lots 
that secretly link all the shops
stop and lean against the sharp stucco corner of a building
finish listening to the funny song we wrote
before going into the thrift store
white skirt, doesn't hurt
squint into the intersection and laugh to myself


straighten your spine
like the stem of a flower in water
find your breath
like a friend in the crowd
I try to apply the old answers
to all my new questions
pretending they are the same as ever
but my stomach nags me



Sunday, May 27, 2018

Drawing




I just want that evil,
uncute mark
all over this
how do I make it

like the imagined doves
inside my organ-less body
I imagine a small
horned artist
in the middles
making the gesture
I need

basically like
I'm pregnant
with the mark
and possessed
by a devil






---

I love to strut a strange event
like an evil stepsister
the part about the butt bobbing

small purse leading the way
strutting in an old dress I've never worn
someone says they couldn't tell
I was an artist as a joke
because everything I have on
is old









Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Homemade Polka


-

felt depression
in the shape and weight
of a knife
as if the moment of nonsleep
was the knife
and therefore
everything was gone

-

how does time move
in your world?

how long do you feel
like you've known me?

one soft ear out the dark
it's the nighttime window
I've told you about before

the first was an octagon
staring back at me

-

jacarandas
seem a bit weak
mostly hard brown
shells like paper
nuts, unless
I missed something
while reacquainting
with that gray strain
of sad

and it's been so long
since I met that edge
but it's all of me too

-

Montclair at dusk
I remember
the faceless
lust
the unending wet
jacket on the lawn

I drive by now
and I always do
with nothing
to pull out but
time, this dark
blue-green hole
in the empty seat

-

don't look at my ass don't
look at my ass
my fault it's
my fault
for wearing this

purple petals
twisted with pink
ribbons

-

evolution nightmare
everyone has curved hand bones for
phone holders

come to
in the shape of a knife

see roadkill
a squirrel duh but
a blond dog in a plastic bag










gray today and it's all of me


-


Sunday, May 20, 2018

wise

I “go for a run”
to cry 
but I can’t  
down the driveway 
out into the wet hot air
a misty 70 degree Saturday 
my vision is not that good
plus fog and weak tears
color combos bobble
yellow irises waving like silk hankies
in front of the foreboding church
a robin sitting on the peak of a wrought iron archway 
his burnt orange velvet chest
looking down on me
how to stay immersed in my life
I can be pulled out so easily
the itsy bitsy spider


Saturday, May 12, 2018

Sluicegate

biting a cherry tomato that tastes like cum
I feel so easily how we are just part of it
ammonium, bleach, cat piss, sweat
the sporelike blossoms on the ivy
climbing our house
the repeat scents & finite combinations
of chemicals that can be made on this earth 

gray days so outnumber the gold days here
when they arrive my body rehydrates, a secret perennial
you don’t have to do anything to me
if I could be naked in my car
driving by the dogwood blossoms and Sweetbriar Mansion

I feel the heavy dresses of colonial Philadelphian women 
stuck on one side of a sluicegate
just wanting to slide in with the rest of those chemicals
slip down the Delaware
go south or go west
away from this Puritan city



Monday, May 7, 2018

AZ contd.


Hey, I Landed

the smell of the Pheonix airport bathroom is
something sexy from an early age
something like
the bath and body vanilla
of a classmate, or
the time I got food poisoning in Tuscon
with our family friends’ son
Bryson, who I loved
something sexy
from an early age about
puking boston market and
sleeping weakly in the same
air-conditioned house




Castles

how tall a mountain
could have once been
underwater?
we walk on them now
the red rocks that really
look like snoopy
and a pair of nuns

aw a blue jay,
I try
on the red it’s really blue
jays are nasty birds
my dad tells me, the world
as a sandwich
blue-silver top and
under red and
green between
layers of wow
real castles




The Women

the women
of the spice cabinet, salt and pepper
dog walking mystics
the Susans of Sedona
swarm the trails
their long braids swinging

The Susans have hyper extended
knees, buckling between
leather legs
in a good way
I want to be them
to have me and
my wolf pup’s aura
photographed each morning and
to get cac-upuncture
with saguaro spikes
and to back my car
into a spot that reads
park here
you aware and relaxed friend




Bartender

The bar is closed
at 5:30 for 15 whole minutes
the bar is just a little sliding window
how do I say we wait
but only one of us
patiently,
the sun is setting
and the bartender emerges
bandaged and
wounded in a few places
I love her, but not yet
she says she doesn’t drink the wine
because
she can barely
make it down the hill sober
I look at her chest
the gauze
does she walk?
she wears makeup
we get tastes in plastic cups

I return the next day to the window
for a beer, me and all the guys
I don’t know at the pool
drinking beer
no number of sunscreen will
shield me from the heat
of their eyeballs just dying to
connect, dying to ask me
what state I live in because the
Spanish wife of the PT doesn’t
speak enough english they
want me to say something
hearty and clear I can feel it

the bartender is the same, fragile
A mom, I learn, and meets my words
with a cooling puddle of competence

dialysis, she says, when people
complain, look at this place
the rocks, she gives me another taste




Ranch
I’m stumped by the pile
of this place, it’s called a ranch
it’s so big, it’s a long drive
from one end to the other
too big a picture to see at once
and too big a place to keep clean
my heart breaks
for the pink man
in the leg brace, but more
for the Native American
Learning Center, tucked behind
the elevators
sorry or not the man hobbles on by
the pool people
who are also pink
are angry with the ducks
for loitering around their now
steamy caesers
I admire the duck’s shiny neck
and swim with him in the pool
this big place has small flies
because of the small pieces of old crust
at the ranch, I feel the weight of the world
my dad is by the pool too
bless his heart, waiting for me
to join, but I’ve stopped at a chair
in all it’s glory, cushions boiling,
in a boat of thick, polished wicker
we’ve been referred to as
a couple twice
a couplet
it’s offered a bad taste
does no one see a dad and their grown
daughter? I wonder, just dads with sugar, he said
do we want a king bed instead is where I’ll stop
because if I don’t I’ll will that ecoli into reality, that ecoli
on the romaine lettuce from Yuma, Arizona which
dad and I have both eaten twice
what a sad place, I’ll say it
one of many homes to the most
pervasive, thinly veiled cult
called everyone
enjoying themselves
in a hoax
they don’t know that

vacation unfolds



Thursday, April 26, 2018

Nissan with Silver




today I drove weepy
through Arizona
I don’t think I saw anything
how did I make it
with the spikey branch stuck
in my periphery  
new cars get me
drowning
in Sims levels
of senses I slide
off the glasses
to see what’s clogged
like music up my nose
I sniff for the knob
and cry a little
I’ve changed
from wanting
to break someone’s neck
for being as sentimental
as me
to just weeping
and
weeping




Sunday, April 8, 2018

Sestina #2


I remember how evil
the melting feels in line
with the other blues
and browns, keeping tabs on clouds
singing I’m only one call
away, humming come on, come on

she sings there’s Mary on
my right and we know it’s evil-
hot, so just don’t call
my line
of clouds
not white but blues

wanna tell Mom my blues
run the game, but you are on
my mind, the ominous clouds
exchange grateful for evil
she says get empty, draw your line
back home, she sings, come on

will the wires to call
the front lawn of my blues
potion splashed in line
on winners, Mom, Mary on
my right keeps evil
off the grass, clouds

in my coffee, clouds
in my coffee, call
home again feel evil
for gaping holes and blues
running games, keep on
calling, she says, draw your line

I’m waist deep in trying online
a deep waste of time machines, iClouds
but you are on
my tabs to keep, to call
when I’ve gone, the blues
of screens turn evil

exchange empty for evil
on the lawn on my blues
draw your line home, I’m only one call




Monday, March 26, 2018

Strenth


The vines of the wax flower plant reach out to touch me
Marking the time that I’m losing track of
Waxwoman we call her 
There’s not enough light in here
The rubber plant has faded to yellow but keeps on 
The fern drops brown leaves like tear drops
I look for pictures of the rubber plant 
To see if it’s grown
Or is it stunted





Hope wore all dusty purple today
Sweatshirt with a rhinestone heart 
She grabbed both of my wrists and made me clap
Pointed at the coffee maker 
Made me clap again
I poured some of my coffee 
From paper cup to another paper cup for her
She took it in her one hand 
with the other folded safely away
I hope she feels my love

drunk etc.


I got some art opportunities
in the middle of the night

someone berated me
for not being able to speak
my own, full name

I blamed their shitty pen

---

if the world was left with
everything beautiful

and only built up with
more beautiful

architecture, getting involved

I'll draw the fragments alone

doomed, not cut out
for more

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

visitors


woke up singing, oh
the ants come marching in
I find a group of them again
swarming a tampon that is
somehow one with the floor
and therefore impossible
to address, or separate
from inevitability

I was laying on my side
which was all I was allowed to do
I was so pleased
by this limitation
but couldn't figure out
why

my mom dreamed
she was trying to get all these wasps off of me
but couldn't figure out
why
no one else saw them







Monday, March 12, 2018

get hair clips to make life better



I realize I don't have a poem but
I made a "want" list this week
feeling ravenous on all fronts
-the right, silver cube heel
-a sleeping bag


Berkeley

over Croatian wine
we share the fear 
of our aging bodies
my face is like
the uncarved side of Mount Rushmore
a cinnamon roll
I feel blurry
like that dog from the meme
my body is like
an overstuffed sausage on two toothpicks
my boobs are like 
see ya
my boobs are being
digested into my ass
my body is like
a dreidel 

the wine is not syrup
but perfume

Berkeley is quiet 
so quiet
that the sun feels loud







Saturday, March 10, 2018

Thumbelina

waiting for a tree to fall on top of my house
waiting for the shit to hit the fan
Thumbelina sleeping in a walnut
the trees covered in snow are so clearly the same
as the branches of arteries and veins
I feel my heart pounding in my throat
Thumbelina emerges fully formed from a red poppy

Sunday, March 4, 2018

fallout shelter

I'd be so happy to feel sunshine
and a freedom
all the trees fallen in the snowstorm
Heavy tunnels in a misty world
I can't think clearly
the Oscars are so loud
my years are flattened
spending so much time
with people 3 times my age
I want to say this quickly
whatever it is I'm saying
the stress is a numbness in my jaw
a hypochondriac fit
10 Cloverfield
Or any dumb movie
Can do that to me
The suspense spilling over
And seeping into my world

this color green



  d e t a i l s
  e
  s
  i
  r       f
deep image
           l
           i
          n
          g
             cabinets


purge
visit
earn

top coat
leg veins
hair clips

sunset at CVS

oh the light
hitting aisles
corners
hitting my
eczema 

oh it's
still there
oh it's
draping the car

where is Livia
for this high light 

from within
the car
the sunset
is soon
gone

when what you want 
is between a rock
and in a corner
between a pane of glass

in the future
in chartreuse 
in a crevasse...



the heavy lifting
of optimism
of rocks

the alien garbage
of my body of my
lack of discipline 

time to check
the habits
before I hate
or lose

me 

there

wearing silk
chartreuse pajamas 
tanned and soft
mixing gold and silver
deep in summer

europa perhaps
glints of freedom
and balconies

wake up
fold it in
file it

wake up
bad, bloated
with a sense
of mistake

one good and
one bad phone item
the rest is just junk 
and the balance
keeps me in bed

get out
fold that in
file: stuck, shitty, bad
recycle the details
of desire to make
new, beautiful 
mind outfit